1. All "The Dark Knight Rises" Spoilers You Need

All "The Dark Knight Rises" Spoilers You Need

John DeVore
You have been warned. Here are all the spoilers to the eagerly awaited movie "The Dark Knight Rises".
  • Batman dies in the first 20 minutes, the victim of arrhythmogenic right ventricular dysplasia, a rare heart condition.
  • Bane is actually Thomas Wayne and a wormhole is involved.
  • Batman retires after realizing he's just a teenager's power fulfillment fantasy.
  • The Dark Knight rises at 11AM on Sunday.
  • Alfred is replaced at Wayne Manor by Lord Grantham's personal valet Bates.
  • Capes flutter, heroically.
  • Despite fan concerns that the villainous Bane's mask will render him unintelligible, he turns to Batman during the climax and says "Shhhhhwarblecrackpopshhhh!"
  • Gotham City is in the grip of an angstwave.
  • Batman meets his greatest foe, cognitive behavioral therapy. After talking about his childhood traumas with a trained mental health professional, he takes up golf.
  • Bane menacingly drinks Jamba Juice smoothies with a special straw.
  • Batman thinks Tony Stark is irresponsible and a "loose cannon."
  • Portentous themes are explored, like rich vs. poor, good vs. evil, boom vs. ka-pow!
  • Catwoman turned to a life of crime after appearing in an episode of "Hoarders."
  • Beautiful people whisper exposition intensely -- so listen closely!
  • Batman wakes up in a biomechanical cocoon, and discovers that he was just a human battery for a race of evil robotic octopi.
  • Catwoman confronts her greatest weakness – a giant string of yarn.
  • There is political allegory, but mostly, sweeping wide-angle IMAX shots of explosions.
  • Bruce Wayne votes for Mitt Romney.
  • Commissioner Gordon's Bat Signal is replaced with an iPhone app.
  • The BatScooter is revealed – a fuel-efficient, sea foam green Vespa with a Gatling gun.
  • Batman infiltrates Gotham's underworld by wearing a BatStache.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio shows up and subtly suggests to Bruce Wayne that he should break up his father's company, Wayne Enterprises.
  • After the credits, there is an extra scene teasing the sequel where Batman, The Phantom of the Opera and Zorro team up to form "The Batvengers".
  • Batman stops by Subwich for a delicious $5 "BatMelt"