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All "The Dark Knight Rises" Spoilers You Need

You have been warned. Here are all the spoilers to the eagerly awaited movie "The Dark Knight Rises".
  • Batman dies in the first 20 minutes, the victim of arrhythmogenic right ventricular dysplasia, a rare heart condition.
  • Bane is actually Thomas Wayne and a wormhole is involved.
  • Batman retires after realizing he's just a teenager's power fulfillment fantasy.
  • The Dark Knight rises at 11AM on Sunday.
  • Alfred is replaced at Wayne Manor by Lord Grantham's personal valet Bates.
  • Capes flutter, heroically.
  • Despite fan concerns that the villainous Bane's mask will render him unintelligible, he turns to Batman during the climax and says "Shhhhhwarblecrackpopshhhh!"
  • Gotham City is in the grip of an angstwave.
  • Batman meets his greatest foe, cognitive behavioral therapy. After talking about his childhood traumas with a trained mental health professional, he takes up golf.
  • Bane menacingly drinks Jamba Juice smoothies with a special straw.
  • Batman thinks Tony Stark is irresponsible and a "loose cannon."
  • Portentous themes are explored, like rich vs. poor, good vs. evil, boom vs. ka-pow!
  • Catwoman turned to a life of crime after appearing in an episode of "Hoarders."
  • Beautiful people whisper exposition intensely -- so listen closely!
  • Batman wakes up in a biomechanical cocoon, and discovers that he was just a human battery for a race of evil robotic octopi.
  • Catwoman confronts her greatest weakness – a giant string of yarn.
  • There is political allegory, but mostly, sweeping wide-angle IMAX shots of explosions.
  • Bruce Wayne votes for Mitt Romney.
  • Commissioner Gordon's Bat Signal is replaced with an iPhone app.
  • The BatScooter is revealed – a fuel-efficient, sea foam green Vespa with a Gatling gun.
  • Batman infiltrates Gotham's underworld by wearing a BatStache.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio shows up and subtly suggests to Bruce Wayne that he should break up his father's company, Wayne Enterprises.
  • After the credits, there is an extra scene teasing the sequel where Batman, The Phantom of the Opera and Zorro team up to form "The Batvengers".
  • Batman stops by Subwich for a delicious $5 "BatMelt"