1. All The "Lincoln" Spoilers You Need

All The "Lincoln" Spoilers You Need

John DeVore
Lincoln
Consider yourself warned: here are all the spoilers to Steven Spielberg's historical epic "Lincoln."
All The "Lincoln" Spoilers You Need
  1. "Lincoln" is almost 8 score minutes long, if you count the trailers.
  2. There are no vampires.
  3. John Williams' score swells with orchestral fury whenever you're supposed to feel an emotion.
  4. Lincoln broods, stares, and contemplates while staring into foreboding distances.
  5. The 38th United States Congress resemble a convention of Brooklyn alt-folk musicians and coffee shop baristas.
  6. Luckily for the cinematographer, the 19th Century had amazing natural lighting.
  7. Abraham Lincoln is a pro-black Republican, which might come as a shock to modern Republicans.
  8. The Confederacy loses the Civil War, which might come as a shock to many Civil War re-enactors.
  9. Lincoln works intensely to invent the penny and the Town Car.
  10. Pulitzer-prize winning playwright Tony Kushner based the "Lincoln" screenplay partly on the book "Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln" by Doris Kearns Goodwin, and partly on "The Hall Of Presidents" at Walt Disney World Resort.
  11. Robert E. Lee rides a velociraptor.
  12. In a sponsorship tie-in, Lincoln's famous "melancholy" is treated with Paxil.
  13. The blue-tinted ghosts of George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson watch Lincoln give his second inaugural address.
  14. Lincoln's youngest son takes in a squat, naked man with a grotesquely long finger who wants to "telegraph home."
  15. The all-star cast includes Young Bruce Willis From "Looper", Forrest Gump's Mom, and that guy who spanked Maggie Gyllenhaal in the movie "Secretary."
  16. True to the memorial in Washington DC, Daniel Day Lewis' plays Lincoln as a 28-foot-tall granite giant.
  17. During the closing credits, the entire cast sings a reprise of "Abraham Lincoln Superstar."