Consider yourself warned: here are all the spoilers to Steven Spielberg's historical epic "Lincoln."
- "Lincoln" is almost 8 score minutes long, if you count the trailers.
- There are no vampires.
- John Williams' score swells with orchestral fury whenever you're supposed to feel an emotion.
- Lincoln broods, stares, and contemplates while staring into foreboding distances.
- The 38th United States Congress resemble a convention of Brooklyn alt-folk musicians and coffee shop baristas.
- Luckily for the cinematographer, the 19th Century had amazing natural lighting.
- Abraham Lincoln is a pro-black Republican, which might come as a shock to modern Republicans.
- The Confederacy loses the Civil War, which might come as a shock to many Civil War re-enactors.
- Lincoln works intensely to invent the penny and the Town Car.
- Pulitzer-prize winning playwright Tony Kushner based the "Lincoln" screenplay partly on the book "Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln" by Doris Kearns Goodwin, and partly on "The Hall Of Presidents" at Walt Disney World Resort.
- Robert E. Lee rides a velociraptor.
- In a sponsorship tie-in, Lincoln's famous "melancholy" is treated with Paxil.
- The blue-tinted ghosts of George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson watch Lincoln give his second inaugural address.
- Lincoln's youngest son takes in a squat, naked man with a grotesquely long finger who wants to "telegraph home."
- The all-star cast includes Young Bruce Willis From "Looper", Forrest Gump's Mom, and that guy who spanked Maggie Gyllenhaal in the movie "Secretary."
- True to the memorial in Washington DC, Daniel Day Lewis' plays Lincoln as a 28-foot-tall granite giant.
- During the closing credits, the entire cast sings a reprise of "Abraham Lincoln Superstar."