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CAMPAIN '12: Mitt Romney Is The Katniss Everdeen Of The GOP

Because Political News Is Agony

  • Mitt Romney won the Wisconsin, Maryland and the District of Columbia primaries yesterday, edging him closer to winning the Hunger Games. []
  • President Obama has secured the endorsement of an intergalactic communist []
  • Former aides to Jon Huntsman are accusing the former candidate of being too nice for not going "negative" against Obama. Huntsman responded by angrily gifting them with moist, freshly-baked vanilla cupcakes. []
  • Mitt Romney regularly tweets pictures of his life on the campaign trail, including photos of the candidate getting his hair cut, or eating lunch, or relaxing while wearing a kimono made out of $100 bills. []
  • President Obama made fun of Mitt Romney for using the word "marvelous" to describe a budget proposed by the GOP congress, saying it’s a word you "don’t hear generally." "What infernal balderdash," responded Romney campaign aide Ernest Mortimer Hollingston III. []
  • Democratic operative Van Jones said that if Former Secretary of State Condi Rice joined the GOP presidential ticket as Vice President, the Obama campaign would go "crazy," except Joe Biden, who’d just shrug and start high-fiving the houseplants. []
  • President Obama recently said that President Ronald Reagan could not win a modern GOP Primary, specifically because he’s been dead for nine years. []
  • A new book alleges that Texas Gov. Rick Perry was using painkillers during the televised presidential debates that helped sink his candidacy. This puts to rest the popular theory that Rick Perry is as thick as he seems even when not on painkillers. []
  • Former Governor Sarah Palin made her debut as a morning anchor on "The Today Show," fulfilling her dream of leveraging her experience as a state chief executive and candidate for the second most powerful job in the nation as a springboard to chuckling with Matt Lauer and talking about hairspray at the buttcrack of dawn. []
  • A recent episode of "Mad Men" featured Betty's politically connected hubby referencing Mitt Romney’s father, former Michigan governor George Romney. In an upcoming episode, Don Draper slaps an ice cream cone out of the hand of an 8-year-old Rick Santorum. []
  • Rick Santorum claims that universities don’t teach American History. Instead, these "indoctrination mills" teach classes in Marxist Terrorist Gay Orgy History. []
  • Newt Gingrich is continuing his determined run for President of Pull Over At That Cinnabon. []