Today Apple announced the long-awaited iPhone 5, which will go on sale September 21st. Wondering why there's so much buzz around a mere cellphone? Here's the 411 on the iP5.
- During the iPhone 5 unveiling in San Francisco, a gentle hush descended across the Earth. Dogs and cats snuggled, doves wept with joy, and mortal enemies everywhere briefly set aside their
differences and commenced feverishly swapping spit.
- The new iPhone is 18% thinner and 20% lighter than the 4S, making it the first smartphone with specs one can measure in Triscuits.
- Apes that touch the glowing new mini-monolith are suddenly able to turn basic tools into weapons.
- You will still probably have to stand in line for four hours outside an
Apple Store next to a lumberjack who just discovered dub-step and two bloggers wearing Atticus Finch glasses narrating their Tumblrs to each other.
- The new iPhone 5 magically induces people with the iPhone 4S to bite the insides of their cheeks until they tasted blood.
- Siri has been upgraded; the "intelligent personal assistant" will tell you sports scores, and automatically place bets with your bookie.
- The iPhone 5's 8MP camera is slimmer than before, and can make that can of Beefaroni look like Mario Batali is your personal chef.
- The elongated display is newly optimized for those with freakishly nimble asparagus fingers.
- Apple's new battery promises 225 hours of standby and is powered by the tears of Chinese laborers.
- The iPhone 5 is made out of a nanomorph mimetic poly-alloy, which means if you smash it against your desk in a frothing rage, it will reduce itself to a pool of liquid metal, then quietly reform back to its prior shape.
- The iPhone 5 has 4G-LTE network connectivity, so you'll be able to download alt-folk dirges off of iTunes nanoseconds before they're cool.
- The iPhone 5 will sprout spider legs and use digestive acids to liquify any Samsung Galaxy 3's in the vicinity.
- Price: $199 for 16GB, $299 for 32GB, $399 for 64GB with two year contract signed in bone marrow.