1. Next Week's Spoilers: Sorry, But You Will Not Win "Mega Millions"

Next Week's Spoilers: Sorry, But You Will Not Win "Mega Millions"

John DeVore

CAUTION: The Next Seven Days Revealed & Ruined

Here's what you can expect for the week of April 1st-7th, 2012.
  • You will look at your bank account balance and think “April Fools!” You will then sink into a deep depression.
  • The "Mega Millions" numbers are not 8-20-33-45-57-17.
  • The Supreme Court will rule in favor of Chipotle for lunch.
  • Here’s how “The Hunger Games” ends: sandwiches!
  • Rick Santorum will suggest that the “healthcare mandate” is Big Government’s way of forcing red-blooded American males to “date men.”
  • A Jet Blue pilot will just take an extra Xanax.
  • Returning from Cuba, the Pope will be shaken down at Vatican City customs for his stash of Cohiba cigars & Havana Club rum.
  • There are no actual dancing moms on “Dance Moms.”
  • Tyrion is killed in the season premiere of "Game of Thrones." Wait, no. It's Arya who dies. Possibly. Definitely one of them takes a battle-axe to the face.
  • Spring Break will be fun, until you realize you graduated last year and have an early shift.
  • Mitt Romney will try to buy a soft pretzel with a bag of gold coins.
  • No one will retweet you.
  • You will lie about watching “Mad Men”.
  • The birthday boy will hit the piñata with a stick. The piñata will burst open and locusts will fly out. You won’t realize it initially, but the apocalypse has begun.
  • You will become the mayor of your local laundromat on Foursquare.
  • Tim Tebow will LOVE the musical “Wicked.”
  • Re-energized by his heart transplant, Dick Cheney will slither into a unitard and get sweaty to "Ultimate Booty-Grindin' Jazzercise IV."
  • Astronomer Brad Johnson will discover an extrasolar planet (or exoplanet) orbiting the large star PR 1257. He will name this exoplanet “HB 0004 b,” but will personally nickname it “Planet Hoss.”
  • You will start a low-carb diet to get rid of “Skyrim Ass.” Four hours later, you will eat an entire bag of Combos.
  • Once again, your alma mater, Northern Virginia Community College, will not be in the Final Four.