NEXT WEEK'S SPOILERS: You might not want to eat all those Cadbury Creme Eggs.

CAUTION: The Next Seven Days Revealed & Ruined

Here’s what you can expect for the week of April 8th – 14th, 2012

• You will vomit Cadbury Creme Eggs.
• Rick Santorum will plunge in the Pennsylvania presidential primary polls after referring to Philadelphia as The City Of Heterosexual, Non-Incestuous Familial Relations.
• You will kick off your new annual tradition of permanently procrastinating on filing your income taxes, setting in motion a chain of events that ends in your eventual imprisonment.
• A Barack Obama supporter will see the President's face in her quinoa salad.
• The next plot twist on “Mad Men” will be a metaphor for our complicated modern times.
• You will see “American Reunion” and love it. Years later, you will see “American Roth IRA” and love that, too.
• Former Current TV-host Keith Olbermann will threaten to sue his pants.
• The question “Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?” will be answered. The coaching staff.
• Not to be outdone by Google, Bing will release their own line of augmented reality glasses, the Microsoft View-Master-Duct-Taped to Your Face.
• Mitt Romney will celebrate being the presumptive Republican Presidential nomination with an illicit sip of caffeinated Diet Coke.
• Your mom will be the only person who “likes” your latest Status Update.
• Kanye West And Kim Kardashian will melt in the sun.
• A 60 year-old creationist will question his intelligently designed lower back.
• You will pretend to care about baseball.