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Provocative Interweb Listicle: 11 Super-Secret Secret Service Secrets


1. Information 2. Organized 3. Numerically

Scandalous revelations that Secret Service agents hired prostitutes and used illegal narcotics while protecting President Obama during a recent trip to Colombia have rocked the US Secret Service. The legendary bodyguards are famous for their discipline in the line of duty, but the truth is, the agency has its fair share of skeletons in the closet.

Here are some totally believable, 110% true ultra-secret Secret Service secrets...
  1. Secret Service Agents Also Assign Codenames To Themselves
    Everyone knows the Secret Service gives the President and First Family codenames. Obama's codename, for instance, is "Renegade." Secret Service agents, however, give themselves really cool codenames, like "Dark Falcon," "Thunder Fists," and "Baron Knuckles von Dynamite."


  2. Those Aren't Microphones In Their Sleeves
    We've all seen Secret Service Agents whispering orders into what look like microphones in their sleeves. They are, in fact, tubes sneaking down their sleeves and into secret bladders of beer taped to their legs.


  3. They Really Are Willing To Take A Bullet
    But they have to play a quick game of "Rock Paper Scissor" first to see who actually has to take that bullet.


  4. The Secret Service Investigates All Threats To The President
    Recently, rocker Ted Nugent said he'd be "in jail or dead" if President Obama was reelected. This triggered an investigation from the Secret Service, who showed up with a pony keg and an eight ball of cocaine and forced The Nuge to play "Cat Scratch Fever" at gunpoint for two hours straight.


  5. Contrary To Perception, Agents Have Senses Of Humor
    Just ask any agent to tell the story about how the infamous "blue dress" actually got that stain. Other knee-slappers agents love to rehash include that time swapping President Reagan's green jelly beans with gerbil food pellets. Old timers still talk about the kooky hijinks in Dallas!


  6. They Keep The Confidence Of The People They Protect
    With a few exceptions, which is why it's a matter of historical record that 350-pound Howard Taft got stuck in his bathtub. Otherwise, the only way to get these highly trained professionals to confess anything is to torture them with White Russians, and pillow fights.


  7. The REAL Reason The Patriot Act Was Passed
    The agency used legislative backchannels to encourage the passing of the 2001 bill that made it easier for the Secret Service to stalk ex-girlfriends who blocked them on Friendster.


  8. The Secret Service Saved George W. Bush's Life Multiple Times
    Everybody knows about the time President Bush choked on a pretzel and passed out. But only the Secret Service knows about the infamous "Tub Toast" incident, the time he tried to kiss a chainsaw, and the anxiety attack he had watching "Final Destination 3."


  9. The Secret Service Is A Diverse Law Enforcement Agency
    Recently, critics have accused the Secret Service of a lack of diversity in its ranks. This is incorrect. There are agents from Kappa Sigma, Pi Kappa Alpha AND Skull & Bones.


  10. The Real Reason They Wear Sunglasses
    Secret Service agents wear dark sunglasses not because they prevent a potential threat from knowing if they are being scrutinized, but because their cherry tomato red hangover eyeballs throb with pain when exposed to sunlight.