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Every year, thousands of sweaty, sunglass-clad music fans gather in the sweltering California desert for the massive Coachella music festival, which features some of the biggest names in rock, hip-hop and alternative music. It is, without a doubt, the music event everyone Instagrams about.
Here’s how to attend the hippest festival of the year without having to physically, emotionally or financially endure the hippest festival of the year.
- Stand On A Space Heater For 72 Hours
Recreate the brutal desert heat that deserts are famous for, then show off chafing and rashes as proof that you were at Coachella.
- Hire A Naked Man Wearing A Headdress To Stand In Front Of You
It’s not a true Coachella experience until a nude guy with Navajo accessories is ruining your view. NOTE: Be careful while driving, he’ll probably have to sit on your lap.
- Bump-And-Grind A Stranger While Riding A Crowded Bus
If you’re not at Coachella, it’s hard to find a good place to dance up on strangers during the daytime. So turn up “Justice” in your headphones, climb aboard a city bus, and let those pheromones fly!
- Drink A Glass Of Water While Throwing $8 In The Trash
You’ll get thirsty in that desert, so you’ll need to set aside $400 for a weekend’s worth of water. By “set aside” we mean fork over to an ethically bankrupt concession stand owner.
- Make A Radiohead Playlist. Play It In One Room, Listen To It In Another
The problem with Coachella headliners is that EVERYBODY wants to see them perform. This means almost nobody gets a good seat. The frustrating struggle to just barely hear the music you love is an awesome way to get that “Coachella” feeling.
- Hire A Friend To Throw Sand In Your Eyes Every Hour
Sand is a jilted mistress, and wind is her unpredictable rage. Sand in the face is just a fact of life at Coachella, so hire a friend to recreate this for you -- and be sure to emphasize the importance of surprise!
- Make A Horse Head Mask Out Of Trash, Wear It Around The Neighborhood
There is something about Coachella that attracts arts-and-crafts loving hippies who love to wear creepy animal masks that look like they were made by developmentally challenged serial killers.
- Fight Over Shade
Shade is hard to come by at Coachella. Find somebody enjoying the cool shadows of a tree, slap them in the face and tell him “Your time is up, Jack!”
- Hide Your Significant Other’s Deodorant
Coachella is a time to embrace the natural scent of the person you love. So hide their roll-on, and blissfully huff the rich musk of their armpits.
- Mail Your Phone Charger To Your Parents’ House
If you’re lucky, you’ll have a full charge going into the weekend, but that won’t last. Like everything else on this Earth, YOUR PHONE
- Lock Yourself In A Public Toilet And Burn Potpourri In The Sink
It’s not a crowded, overpriced outdoor music festival unless there’s a nearly suffocating cloud of mysterious smoke hanging over the entire event. To really feel like “you were there,” fill a filthy public bathroom sink with potpourri, light it up, and choke on your very own personal herbal smog.