Provocative Interweb Listicle: 11 Ways To Experience Coachella Without Actually Going

1. Information 2. Organized 3. Numerically

Every year, thousands of sweaty, sunglass-clad music fans gather in the sweltering California desert for the massive Coachella music festival, which features some of the biggest names in rock, hip-hop and alternative music. It is, without a doubt, the music event everyone Instagrams about.

Here’s how to attend the hippest festival of the year without having to physically, emotionally or financially endure the hippest festival of the year.

1. Stand On A Space Heater For 72 Hours
   Recreate the brutal desert heat that deserts are famous for, then show off chafing and rashes as proof that you were at Coachella.
   
   
2. Hire A Naked Man Wearing A Headdress To Stand In Front Of You
   It’s not a true Coachella experience until a nude guy with Navajo accessories is ruining your view. NOTE: Be careful while driving, he’ll probably have to sit on your lap.
   
   
3. Bump-And-Grind A Stranger While Riding A Crowded Bus
   If you’re not at Coachella, it’s hard to find a good place to dance up on strangers during the daytime. So turn up “Justice” in your headphones, climb aboard a city bus, and let those pheromones fly!
   
   
4. Drink A Glass Of Water While Throwing $8 In The Trash
   You’ll get thirsty in that desert, so you’ll need to set aside $400 for a weekend’s worth of water. By “set aside” we mean fork over to an ethically bankrupt concession stand owner.
   
   
5. Make A Radiohead Playlist. Play It In One Room, Listen To It In Another
   The problem with Coachella headliners is that EVERYBODY wants to see them perform. This means almost nobody gets a good seat. The frustrating struggle to just barely hear the music you love is an awesome way to get that “Coachella” feeling.
   
   
6. Hire A Friend To Throw Sand In Your Eyes Every Hour
   Sand is a jilted mistress, and wind is her unpredictable rage. Sand in the face is just a fact of life at Coachella, so hire a friend to recreate this for you -- and be sure to emphasize the importance of surprise!
   
   
7. Make A Horse Head Mask Out Of Trash, Wear It Around The Neighborhood
   There is something about Coachella that attracts arts-and-crafts loving hippies who love to wear creepy animal masks that look like they were made by developmentally challenged serial killers.
   
   
8. Fight Over Shade
   Shade is hard to come by at Coachella. Find somebody enjoying the cool shadows of a tree, slap them in the face and tell him “Your time is up, Jack!”
   
   
9. Hide Your Significant Other’s Deodorant
   Coachella is a time to embrace the natural scent of the person you love. So hide their roll-on, and blissfully huff the rich musk of their armpits.
   
   
10. Mail Your Phone Charger To Your Parents’ House
    If you’re lucky, you’ll have a full charge going into the weekend, but that won’t last. Like everything else on this Earth, YOUR PHONE MUST WILL DIE!
    
    
11. Lock Yourself In A Public Toilet And Burn Potpourri In The Sink
    It’s not a crowded, overpriced outdoor music festival unless there’s a nearly suffocating cloud of mysterious smoke hanging over the entire event. To really feel like “you were there,” fill a filthy public bathroom sink with potpourri, light it up, and choke on your very own personal herbal smog.