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PROVOCATIVE INTERWEB LISTICLE: 45 Lesser Signs Of The Apocalypse

1. Information 2. Organized 3. Numerically

According to scriptures, ancient prophecies, and the Hollywood documentary "2012", the apocalypse is happening soon. Real soon. This is why we're giving you a heads up with this list of lesser signs of the apocalypse. It is probably too late to repent or dig a bunker by the times the obvious signs manifest themselves, like boiling rivers, tornadoes of fire and seven-headed dragons. But if any of these subtler omens of impending doom start happening, then fall to your knees and start praying to whichever deity you think cares most about you and your constant complaining. Consider this your warning.

  1. The dead friend you on Facebook

  2. The coffee at Starbucks is really, really, really hot.

  3. All ATM passwords become "666."

  4. Kanye West realizes he makes terrible relationship decisions.

  5. Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza is stuffed with coagulated blood.

  6. AOL buys Google for a trillion dollars.

  7. Juggalos are revealed to be a master race of intergalactic shape-shifting crabs

  8. The Pope condones heavy petting, and lots of it

  9. Phones sweat.

  10. Hair conditioner fails to condition hair.

  11. Every hipster in New York, Austin, and Los Angeles wakes up with a perfectly trimmed Hitler moustache.

  12. Lindsay Lohan: The Fifth Horsechick Of The Apocalypse

  13. The sun hangs crooked in the sky.

  14. Matt Lauer's new cohost on "The Today Show" is a swarm of locusts.

  15. A perfectly rendered pentagram is slowly doodled during every "Draw Something" game.

  16. Roombas start vacuuming in the dead of night.

  17. Beer turns into wine and wine turns into beer.

  18. "The Dark Knight Rises" is a disappointment.

  19. Mitt Romney uses a coupon to buy dinner for two at "Outback Steakhouse."

  20. Hotdogs squirm in the bun.

  21. Magic Johnson buys the LA Dodgers.

  22. A plague of bellybutton cold sores sweeps the nation.

  23. Newt Gingrich becomes President of the United States.

  24. Foursquare automatically checks all of its users into "hell."

  25. For a brief moment, everyone in Las Vegas stops placing bets, sucking down whiskey sours, and propositioning prostitutes, and starts hugging.

  26. Geraldo Rivera¹s moustache spontaneously combusts live on the air.

  27. Snooki gives birth to a three-foot long centipede that calls itself "Baphomet"

  28. iPads scream for mercy when you touch them.

  29. George Clooney weeps uncontrollably, for no reason, on "Entertainment Tonight."

  30. Drivers in Los Angeles stop for pedestrians.

  31. Band-Aids bleed in the wrapper.

  32. It rains toaster waffles.

  33. Gas prices drop to two cans of beans and a handful of shotgun shells a gallon.

  34. North Dakota declares war on South Dakota.

  35. Condoms whistle as they are rolled on.

  36. Viral videos cause halitosis.

  37. Instead of "meow," kittens bleat like goats.

  38. All TiVos record nothing but episodes of "Toddlers &​ Tiaras."

  39. Jesus shows up, shakes his head disappointingly, goes home.

  40. The Dow plunges, but stock brokers are too busy vomiting quarters to care.

  41. Instagram's newest filter: "Oblivion."

  42. All Internet comments are suddenly written in Latin.

  43. Every prayer is answered with a text that reads "You¹re on your own!"

  44. Bear Grylls fails to survive breakfast.

  45. President Barack Obama releases his birth certificate and it says he was born in Connecticut.