Pre-orders are through the roof
for Apple's new iPhone 5, which goes on sale September 21st. Planning on trying to get one the first day? Here's who you'll be waiting in line with outside the Apple Store.
- The App Designer
He's the one in the hoodie hunched over the MacBook Pro running an iOS emulator, furiously prototyping the soon-to-be-white-hot app "InstaThingGasm", which aggregates all of your aggregation apps into one uber-aggregation app, which then re-aggregates itself until it triggers a quantum singularity in your pocket, propelling your genitals into another
dimension before swallowing the entire universe.
- The Hobo DJ
It takes a lot of money to look this impoverished, but daddy has deep pockets. He spent the summer fire dancing at Burning Man, is a strict vegan (except for bacon), and is currently seeking a gig at a club in NYC/LA/Miami where he can spin his sick mashups of Skrillex and Engelbert Humperdinck.
- The Impatient Apple Product Blogger
He'll be tweeting in real time about the thrilling minutiae of standing on the sidewalk before this momentous event. Odds are good he will turn to
you and make a sarcastic crack about Android, not remembering it's a word-for-word Steve Jobs quote he read in Walter Isaacson's biography.
- The Ad Agency Associate Creative Director
She's the one using Photoshop for iPad to storyboard a hilarious webisode series sponsored by Proctor & Gamble, in which a Dexter-inspired serial killer praises the blood-sopping power of Bounty paper towels! The idea will be rejected as "too edgy" by the client, who totally doesn't "get it".
- The Early Adopter
He has a three month old iPhone 4S, but must have the latest, because
having the absolutely latest of every variety of gadget constitutes the core of his one-dimensional identity. Also, he knows that conspicuously brandishing an iPhone 5 might, just maybe, result in having a conversation with a human who possesses breasts.
- The Korean Pro-Samsung Protester
He'll actually be standing across the street, screeching that Apple is stifling innovation with its lawsuit against Samsung, and that iPhone
5 infringes Samsung's 4G patents! Then he will hold his Galaxy S III aloft in one hand, flip the Apple store the bird with the other, and commence frantic Gangnam Style pelvic thrusting in your direction.
- The Compulsive Trendoid
She doesn't even want a new iPhone. But she can't possibly show her face at Bikram yoga or post sepia-tone photos of locally-sourced kale to her food Tumblr
from a boring old iPhone 4S.
- The Technology Contrarian
Slimmer design? Whatever. New Nano-SIM replacing MicroSIM? Yawn. Don't get him started on the "lightning" connector cord that's incompatible
with old iPhone docks. The iPhone 5 is an over-hyped, overpriced joke that he must have IMMEDIATELY.
- The Alpha Nerd
He is a dude who knows what he wants. Vintage black Walter Cronkite
glasses? Check. Italian leather man bag? It's called a "messenger bag," douchebutter. GQ's tablet app on his iPad? Most definitely. Once he has the iPhone 5 in hand, he will tell Siri to text bragging insults to all his trustafarian buddies while he reclines in an Eames lounge and moisturizes
- The TV News Puff Piece Reporter
Breaking News: a local broadcaster with blown-out hair as grandiose as a cathedral will breathlessly interview bearded ukelele enthusiasts about why they're buying the new iPhone 5. She will punctuate every answer to that question with an
expertly rehearsed "interesting." She will then turn to the camera before the end of the segment and
declare that the iPhone will be a big hit, back to you. Later, inside the satellite truck, she scrolls
through emails on her Blackberry. None of them will be from her ex.