Here's what happened on the last episode of "Doctor Who"
As it turns out, he's not really a doctor. He just has advanced degrees in Xenobiology, quantum engineering, and women's studies.
The Doctor's companions panic, because they are trapped in a magic box with a daft and capricious god.
The TARDiS is powered by the repressed sexual dreams of goth girls in the American midwest.
The Doctor uses the term "wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey" to explain how temporal paradoxes and/or plot holes work.
In one hour, the following emotions were experienced, sometimes twice: whimsy, enchantment, melancholy, yearning, terror, despair, rage, sorrow, and joy.
The Doctor dons a large top hat, pours tea, and asks his companions why a raven is like a writing desk.
The TARDIS suddenly appears on a gaslit cobblestone street or a prehistoric jungle or the control room of a spaceship.
Romans from Ancient Rome and alien robots from the distant future both have English accents.
The plot is a convoluted mishmash of technobabble, contradictory motives, and impossible coincidences.
The Doctor is surrounded by evil aliens who point weapons at him. He smirks and says something clever.
A sentimental Britpop power ballad scors a tender scene about the power of love.
No one yells "We need to get BACK TO THE FUTURE."
A historical figure makes a guest appearance and does not behave at all the way the history books claimed they would.
The Doctor uses reason to defeat a villain, which will never be as exciting as "photon torpedoes."
One of the Cybermen is defeated by dehydration and the silver spray paint fumes.
A winsome companion dies! But, then, is resurrected! (Just like last episode.)
The entirety of the episode seems to take place in the treacly dimension where "Love, Actually" unfolded.
The Doctor's companions express doubt in the Doctor's eccentric plan.
Yet another advanced alien race is torn into two warring factions, and then the Doctor has to step in and negotiate a peace, again.
A dreaded Dalek slowly rumbles towards the Doctor on three rickety office chair wheels.
The sonic screwdriver is used to help the Doctor escape from the trap he walked into right before the commercial.
(Photos via BBC)