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The Only "Mad Men" Recap You'll Ever Need

On the last episode of "Mad Men":

  • Men in suits smirk while women in bras made out of steel scaffolding teeter precariously on stilettos.

  • Don Draper says "no" 75 times.

  • Various characters briefly suspect the American Dream might not be what it's cracked up to be.

  • Shiny vintage eyewear inspires hordes of present-day hipsters to click on over to

  • Betty doesn't smile, because smiling makes you fat.

  • Unfiltered cigarettes are lit, then sucked and finally stabbed out.

  • No one talks about their feelings, because talking about feelings hasn't been invented yet.

  • Omens are foreshadowed and symbolism is symbolic. Something or other represents death.

  • Joan dispenses motherly advice from behind her iconic Rubenesque bosom.

  • Fedora on. Fedora off. Fedora on. Fedora off.

  • Don Draper makes a face like his lower intestines are full of spackle.

  • Advertising is the sexiest, most exciting occupation in the history of human industry.

  • Peggy is liberated from ever being happy.

  • An obscure "golden oldie" is played that you will buy on iTunes.

  • Dreams are crushed. Hopes thwarted. Happiness smothered.

  • This smug jackass says something thoughtless and selfish and then bats his long ladylashes.

  • Corks pop. Glasses clink. Liquor pours. There is much swirling.

  • A man sexually harasses a woman. Everybody laughs.

  • No one in the 1960s realizes that everybody in 2012 is watching, and judging.

  • Roger Sterling cracks a joke and everyone briefly forgives him for being an alcoholic sociopath.