I would be really excited to see “The Hunger Games,” if only I weren’t old enough to drive.
While millions of bleating teenage girls line up to see a movie that is obviously just a mashup of “Twilight” and “The Road Warrior,” I will be happily doing adult things, like shaving my armpits, drinking chamomile tea, and watching "The News Hour with Jim Lehrer" on PBS.
The highly-anticipated big-budget film adaptation of Suzanne Collins’ best-selling book for children opens this weekend, and America’s movie theaters will be crammed full of 16-year-olds simultaneously texting, heavy-petting with their greasy boyfriends, and shrieking in ecstasy as their favorite sci-fi pop soap opera unfolds before them on the big screen.
I don't need to actually see “The Hunger Games” to know it's about a fashion model in the future forced to fight other beautiful people for an arugula salad. The fashion model is in love with a quarterback and a boy wizard and in the future, diets can be deadly. The movie stars Woody Harrelson as Little Lord Fauntleroy and Lenny Kravitz as a contestant on "Project Runway." I am fairly certain that by the end of the movie, somebody eats something. There are lasers and dragons.
I’m guessing “The Hunger Games” teaches vulnerable female adolescents life lessons about being pretty, pimple care, and obsessing over your emotionally-vacant boyfriend. I will say one thing: “The Hunger Games” is no “John Carter,” which is the thinking man's “Avatar.”
If you’re smart, you’ll avoid the mall for the next three days, as the parking lots will be infested with hormonal teens prepping to smuggle Costco-sized sacks of Goobers into the Cineplex. Instead, do something mature, like reading Us Weekly, which is exactly like The New Yorker except without all the boring words. Maybe I’ll treat myself to the bachelor special at Boston Market. If you’re a mature, tax-paying grown-up, come on over to my one-bedroom apartment in Burbank and let’s play a rousing game of Yahtzee.
Otherwise: OMG guysss, hope u luv and <3 teh HUNGER GAMES!
Image: "The Hunger Games"