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11 Ways To Make Televised Political Conventions More Exciting

Dear Democrats &​ Republicans: Now that your conventions are over, you should know that tuning in to them is like watching a football stadium full of lawyers cheer on an accountant doing long division in his head. So here's a handy little to-do list for making them actually watchable in 2016. You're welcome.
  1. Position a gong and a table of celebrity judges in front of the dias. Require all speeches to be sung and danced.
  2. Replace all politely veiled attacks with vicious trash talking. Lurid insults about Mitt Romney's magic tighty-whiteys and Barack Obama secretly puffing Virginia Slims 100's must be the new norm.
  3. Instead of promising to lower taxes or increase spending, candidates must make extravagant promises untethered to reality. For instance: VOTE FOR ROMNEY = FLYING MONSTER TRUCK CASSEROLE!
  4. Require Vice Presidential candidates to appear in swimsuits and read inspirational limericks aloud.
  5. The convention keynote speaker, usually a rising star in the party, must emerge from the stage in a giant Lady Gaga-esque egg.
  6. Instead of celebrating with balloons, delegates will engage in an epic savory pie fight.
  7. Hologram Tupac must rap battle Hologram Biggie and Hologram Richard Nixon.
  8. Halfway through each convention, have giant television screens broadcast impoverished teens engaged in a gladiatorial fight to the death.
  9. At least one politician must deliver their speech dressed in an oversized elephant or donkey costume.
  10. Every speech must end with a throw to a DJ spinning dubstep, then, A SMOKE & LASER SHOW.
  11. Replace the national anthem with Queen's "We Will Rock You."