Incendiary Rants About Extremely Random Things!ATTENTION JERKS: Arizona's lady warlord Governor Jan Brewer is considering whether to sign Arizona House Bill #2549 into law, which would outlaw hotdog-fingered droolers like you from stinking up the comments of my genius blog essays about “Star Wars” and “body image”. Go Jan! It's about time!
According to this AWESOME law, it would be unlawful for any person to “terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend” anyone on the computer. Wrap your walrus-heads around THAT! Yeah, if any of you jackbags so much as even thinks about dissing me, then all it would take is one phone call to the authorities -- and you’d be off to prison, where a 300-lb convict nicknamed “Death Mouth” will bludgeon you with a tube sock full of nickels. LOL!
Of course, you have to live in Arizona in order to enjoy this umbrella of free speech. And I would totally move there, to a place where trolling is a crime -- if only it weren’t a desert wasteland populated by meth labs, biker gangs and banditos. From what I understand, it's basically nothing but cactuses and shallow graves. Also, my milky flesh doesn’t react well to direct or indirect sunlight. But if it weren’t for those facts, and the rattlesnakes, anti-Mexican lynch mobs, and the sour stink of retirees' adult diapers that hangs over the whole state, I would totally move there and stand behind the amazing Governor Jan!
There’s an old saying that says, “As Arizona goes, so goes Alabama, probably.” So there is hope that one day, thought leaders like me will enjoy the protection of a law that allows for personal public expression without the annoying consequence of having put up with reactions that are not “You’re a genius!”
What do you think about Arizona’s new anti-internet trolling law? Do you agree with me, or do you think I’m totally in the right? Leave a comment, but only if it’s 100% positive.
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HAN FRODO is an internet-famous journalist, poet and comedy writer whose work has appeared in the comments sections of many popular websites. He is also the future winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Blog Posts. His girlfriend is a javascript developer and MMA fighter who lives in Reykjavik. You can follow his brilliance on Twitter. |