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Doctor needed to treat rare medical condition that makes roses grow out of my skull.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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Hey ladies, I'm tired of playing around. I'm finally ready to take the big leap and commit to buying deodorant.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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WANTED: bass player for my ska band made up of out-of-work prison guards.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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FOR SALE: wig I stole from the "Beatlemania" tour bus.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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FOR SALE: Rottweiler that barks only at Catholics.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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AVAILABLE: world's only Amish car mechanic. No experience.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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MISSED CONNECTION: Me, staring at a cactus for 2 days on a peyote bender. You: a cactus.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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Make your greatest fantasy come true, if your fantasy is having sex with a guy crying inside a homemade Robocop costume.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 05/02/13"
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Like bald guys with enormous penises? Then you'll love my cousin, Jeff!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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LEAD SINGER: Seeks drummer, bassist, guitarist, food, shelter, reason to live.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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$1000 or best offer: Super-8 footage of me skinny-dipping with President Eisenhower.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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FOR SALE: Treadmill I bought in '06. BONUS: all the towels that are drying on it.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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Ever wonder what it's like to live in a crawlspace of a public library? EMAIL ME. Crawldaddy@notkidding.com
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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Missed Connection: You: beautiful blonde woman, driving. Me: clinging to hood of your car, screaming, "Marry me!!"
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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FOR HIRE: me, the Irish Zach Galifianakis!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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Having Erectile Dysfunction? I'll come over and tease you about it!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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ALL YOU CAN EAT: $5 My homemade, 100% organic, "Beard Bacon."
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/27/13"
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Musician For Hire: I'm Kid Rock's older brother -- Adult Rock.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/12/13"
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Wanted: extremely gullible ladies who'll believe I'm Ryan Gosling's butt double.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/12/13"
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Ahoy, ladies! Join me for romance aboard my yacht, the SS '92 Ford Fiesta!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/12/13"
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MAN SEEKING WOMAN: I want to take things slowly. Then fast. Then slow, fast, fast, fast, slow, fast. OK. I'm done-NOW GET OUT!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 03/12/13"
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FOR HIRE: ROIDED-UP, BEARDED, ARMENIAN VERSION OF "TURTLE" FROM "ENTOURAGE"!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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Well-endowed man seeks woman who doesn't know what "well-endowed" means.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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DJANGO UNCHAINED - Free screening in my apartment. Notice: I don't have Django Unchained the movie. I have a different thing you have to figure out.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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FOR SALE: Original "Batmobile." Technically, it's a 1986 Toyota Celica with a family of bats living inside it.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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DO IT TIME: You sexy lady. Me sexy man, full of the moneys and sex. Let me lavish all the kisses on you! Also, please to teach me the English.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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Do you like jazz? Me neither. Let's go throw eggs at a jazz band.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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Hello? Is Craig there? I wanted to list something. Eisenhower!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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Roommate wanted: must help bury old roommate.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 02/13/13"
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For Sale: mud.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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For Hire: World's Worst Ryan Gosling Impersonator.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Looking for unconditional love? I'll give it to you if you lose a few pounds!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Lose your Arcade Fire tickets? Hire me: The Hipster Private Eye.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Used Van For Sale: Great condition. Just a few scratches and the words "BANG BUS" written on the side.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Did you rob a liquor store on 3rd and Elm last night? E-mail me at notacop@reallyacop.com
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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For sale: George Clooney's garbage, with certificate of authenticity signed by my cousin Gary.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Missed Connection: You: attractive blonde on park bench. Me: guy being thrown from a moving car by Armenian loan sharks.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Free: Over 9 bucks in loose change if you fish it out of my Speedo.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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Wanted: Lady to co-star with me in my new movie, "Amish Superman."
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 01/16/13"
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FOR SALE: A large trunk full of my old sex toys. Many of them are steam-powered.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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BUY MY NEW BOOK: "How to Look Permanently High."
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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Woman seeking confident, dependable man for long-term relationship. Just kidding! Woman seeks drunken hook-up with 'roided-up man-ape.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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WANTED: Your fingerprints on my shovel. No questions asked.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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FOR SALE: Over 100 no-so-gently worn Panama Jack shirts.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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MAN SEEKING WOMAN: Like being wined and dined? Then come drink Four Loko with me behind Taco Bell!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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NEED A HUG? Then you're a huge wussy AND I'LL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!!!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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ROOMATE WANTED: Must be clean, courteous, and not allergic to albino rats. Also, must pay rent on time, really love albino rats, willing to share chores, and OK with the shrieking lovemaking sounds of albino rats. P.S. I have albino rats.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 11/26/12"
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Have fools that need to be pitied? I'm your guy.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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ALL YOU CAN EAT: my homemade, 100% organic "Beard Bacon." Dig in!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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SEEKING NEW MEMBERS: Seattle-based, all-girl, underground haircut fight club.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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Are you a professional dancer who's confident she can teach a beginner the basics of dancing? Then let's have sex!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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Free: my wife's tear stained love letters to Dr. Oz.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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HANDYMAN WANTED: need help digging a "son-in-law sized" hole.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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WANTED: "Breaking Bad" DVDs, but just the parts that show you how to cook meth.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist For 10/17/12"
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FOR HIRE: me, "The Medium Lebowski"
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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Old Fashioned Guy seeks Old Fashioned Girl with Colonial-era strap-on.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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Wanted: any shirtless photos of Morley Safer.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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Tired of not being on fire? THEN LET ME LIGHT YOU ON FIRE!!!!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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OLDER DUDE WHO GETS IT, looking for young cool peeps. Let's "Do the Dew" and "rock out" to current bands, like the Spin Doctors.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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Respectable father and businessman seeks all photos taken when he was still doing porn.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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"School" seeks busty female principal. Why is "school" in quotation marks? Because I'm just talking about my garage.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 9/6/12"
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Want a better career? Can't help you there, but I will have sex with your wife!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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Hey guys! Looking for a woman on Craigslist? Then sorry, I'm out of your league.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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FOR SALE: Shirt I haven't taken off since I was 8.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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Guy with a million dollars seeks woman who thinks parking tickets are dollars.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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MISSED CONNECTION: Me: At the Sherman Oaks mall on Sunday. You: Living female between 18 and 94.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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For sale: Tickets to Madonna concert. Meet me tomorrow at the corner of Sepulveda and 1985.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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SEEKING: Classy lady into thoughtful conversation and drinking home-brewed beer. Or, just give me money for beer,
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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LOOKING TO HIRE: Dependable office workers who have not seen Austin Powers yet. I do a great impression of him and would...
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 7/26/12"
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For Hire: Casual Wizard. Let's hang out, cast some spells or whatevs!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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FREE SAXOPHONE LESSONS! You must provide saxophone instructor, student, and two saxophones. I will masturbate.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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For sale: security footage of me getting tasered on Reese Witherspoon's porch.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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WANTED: Hot guys on the DL. No, not "on the down low," I have a fetish for injured baseball players.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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WANTED: Hurray! Will pay top dollar for a werewolf antidote.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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For sale: new app that inserts my bare ass into any family photo.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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JOIN ME FOR A NIGHT OF PASSIONATE whittling. Bring a branch, leave with a walking stick! $100/hour.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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Tired of not being punched in the face? THEN LET ME PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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WANTED: 2 tickets to Woodstock. What, it happened already? S**t.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 06/28/2012"
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LOST: Have you seen my fruit stand?
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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Guy who killed Osama Bin Laden seeking extremely gullible woman.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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FREE: All the food you can shake from my beard.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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WANTED: Hot love-making with a woman who finds me sexy for exactly what I am, which is a dude willing to pay for sex.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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AVAILABLE: Complete VHS collection of Mr. Belvedere, comes with autographed photo of me watching Mr.Belvedere.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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HOUSING SWAP: Beautiful home in Santa Monica. Includes outdoor deck and alcoholic husband.
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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LOST: Sex tape I made with Craig T. Nelson
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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SERVICE OFFERED: Retired middle school Vice Principal, will come to your house and threaten your kids with a belt.
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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MISSED CONNECTION: You: changing into your nightgown. Me: Outside, in your tree.
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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WANTED: Looking for a dope young lady named Mary Jane to party with me on 4:20. Contact me at Not-A-Narc@KoolDude.cop
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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MAN SEEKING WOMAN: Come rule the post-apocalyptic wasteland with me after the coming Machine Uprising.
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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FOR SALE: '97 Dodge Viper. Great Condition, but: stereo is jammed and won't stop playing cassingle of
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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MUSICIANS WANTED: to become totally equal partners in my band,
From this video: "More Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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VACATION RENTAL: Romantic hideaway in the heart of Hollywood. I will be watching from the closet.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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FOR SALE: Time machine that only travels back to Seattle, 1991.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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SAXOPHONE PLAYER WANTED: Not for band, but to provide soundtrack while I walk around my apartment, smoking cigarettes and reflecting on my various failures.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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Orange you glad you clicked on my ad? GET IT?!? LOL :)
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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MEDICAL MARIJUANA FOR SALE: Must suffer from some kind of disease like not being high enough.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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DOMESTIC HELP WANTED: Someone to tell me where I put the g** damned horseradish. I mean for cryin' out loud it was just here!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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Caring, loving man seeking woman for committed relationship. Will also settle for a Crusty Eisenhower.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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Brad Pitt look-alike seeking woman who's never seen Brad Pitt.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads"
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Love animals? Hate your own face? My aggressive, untrained chimp can be yours!!
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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MAN SEEKING WOMAN: Companionship and fun, strictly platonic. (Platonic includes Reverse Cowgirl, right?)
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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MISSED CONNECTION: Fled scene after hitting you with my Mazda. You looked cute in rearview mirror.
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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FOR SALE: Hipster mustache. Original owner. Ironic inquiries only.
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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Upcoming drug test? I have over 100 gallons of my grandma's urine.
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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FOR SALE: George Clooney's garage. Bonus: Photo of George chasing me with baseball bat.
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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DRUMMER NEEDED: Not for bang, but to drown out voices in my head.
From this video: "More Craigslist SOPA Blackout Workaround Ads"
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FOR SALE: Used Bow Flex Home Gym plus 50 gallons of Muscle Milk.
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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Desperately seeking 2 tix to Smashmouth concert at Glendale petting zoo.
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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Seeking roommate to share apartment with really cool guy and his four Komodo dragons.
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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PROFESSIONAL HANDY-MAN: Can make any problem go away, permanently - if you know what I mean. (Yes, I mean murder.)
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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Models wanted for totally legitimate, artistic photo shoot. Must not be allergic to anesthesia.
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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MISSED CONNECTION: Comic-Con 2011. You were dressed as Star Wars Princess Leia. I was dressed as Empire Strikes Back Princess Leia.
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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Looking to unload rare 1976 bicentennial issues of JUGGS MAGAZINE. Lightly used.
From this video: "The Craigslist SOPA Blackout Work-Around"
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IMMEDIATE POSITION AVAILABLE in my pants. SPACE IS LIMITED.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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Sexy, single and in your 20s? Me too! Let's hook up!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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Guy who totally hates marijuana seeks a ton of marijuana to just stare at in hatred and definitely not smoke at all.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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Childcare Needed, NOW! Kids are in a red SUV in the Conan audience parking garage.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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SERVICES: I recently inherited 300 folding chairs, a chain saw, and a cow. Let Me Cater Your Wedding!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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LOOKING FOR WORK: Recent graduate of the Bret Michaels Fashion Academy.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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Air guitarist seeks air groupies to have lots of air sex.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 5/24/21012"
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HELP! Need new prom date ASAP. Must be willing to travel to Jakarta.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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SEEKING: Girl. 19-98.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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FOR SALE: Tickets to the Conan show for April 4, 2012. If no one bids, I guess I'll have to go. Just hope they don't use me in same lame comedy sketch.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/3/2012"
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Recycle? I can personally crush your soda cans with my forehead.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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Great opportunities for attractive young women. Send photos to: dontworryitsnothumantrafficking.net
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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FOR SALE: 75 lbs. of styling gel. Buyer must extract from my hair.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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WANTED: Dude to provide alibi for the night of April 4, from 7pm to 2am. Must be able to convince my wife that we were
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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REALIZE YOUR ULTIMATE FANTASY: As long as your ultimate fantasy is watching a Dr.Who marathon, then helping me bathe my mom.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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WANTED: Someone to post positive reviews about my mustache on Yelpstache: it's Yelp! For Mustaches! OK this was just an ad for Yelpstache.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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WANTED: Kids to go on my lawn. WHY? So I can yell at you to get the hell off of it!
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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FOR SALE: The wallet of the guy sitting next to me.
From this video: "Conan Audience Craigslist Ads For 4/26/2012"
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