91 "Why Would You Tweet That?" Celebrity Tweets

@kingsthings Twitter? Hell, I remember when EARTH only had 140 characters!

@NicolasCage I know my last few movies haven't been all that great, but wait 'til you see my next one, "Turd Demon IV: The Turdening."

@HFord Very excited to start filming on my new "Star Wars" check. I mean, movie.

@ChrisBrown Sometimes a relationship can feel like work. You punch in, you punch out.

@TheWilfordBrimley In my day, we didn't need no damn Twitter! We just ate oatmeal and chopped trees down! Hey, get your hands off me, orderlies! I ain't goin' back in that therapeutic salt bath!

@PolarBear Awwww look how cute I am! Get closer, you tasty bastards!

@JoeBiden Anyone who says I don't do anything important hasn't seen my new sofa fort.

@NicolasCage Great news! My next film is being released straight to yard sales. #theturdening

@GovChristie Did you know some airlines make you buy two seats when you're only hungry for one?

@DonaldTrump I only get 140 characters on Twitter? Better use 'em wisely: TRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMP

@AndyRichter Since Conan doesn't follow me on Twitter, he'll never know that I peed in his sock drawer.

@KimJongUn Yo, dawgs, check out my hot new series of "lookin' through binoculars" photos!

@WayneLaPierreNRA Man, "Game of Thrones" sure would be better if they used guns. So would "Project Runway."

@LadyGaga Help! The raccoon in my bra is attacking the squirrels in my wig!

@GeorgeClooney It sure is tough being handsome, rich, and universally respected. I don't know how Conan does it.

@ScarlettJohansson Whoops. Didn't realize they were leaning on the space bar.

@BarackObama Thought I'd interrupt this comedy sketch to remind you that I killed Osama Bin Laden.

@tomcruise FYI I'm still crazy, just getting better at hiding it! #wackawacka!

@kingsthings Just swatted a mosquito on my thigh and my whole leg crumbled into dust.

@Shakira These hips no can tweet too good.

@THEGaryBusey Julian Barnes won the Man Booker Prize for Literature? NOT Stephen Kelman? Arghhhhhhhhh!

@Beyonce People may hate my baby's name, Blue Ivy, but wait 'til they meet our next baby, Green Algae.

@justinbieber It just dawned on me: I have the wig on BACKWARDS!

@lindsaylohan The bottle service at this accident site sucks.

@VanillaIce Just writing this Tweet to see if Conan's audience even knows who I am. They don't? Sorry I wasted everyone's time.

@chrisbrown Tweeting on my phone is so hard! My fists are way too big for these little buttons! LOL!

@JonHamm Uh-oh, just spilled Handsome Sauce on my Chrisma Burger.

@MettaWorldPeace Just realized the word "Meta" has one "T". S**tt.

@GovChristie I've lost 147 lbs! So if anyone finds my missing bag of 588 1/4 Pounders, please email chompmastergeneral@nj.gvt

@BarackObama I approve of gay marriage. Conan, Andy, enjoy your new life together. #andikilledosamabinladen

@NJTanMom Job offers keep pouring in...tomorrow I start my first day as an entry level horse saddle!

@NJTanMom Got another job offer: as a pair of UPS shorts!

@GeorgeWBush Tell me again why I don't get to use the big airplane?

@Coldplay Mock us all you want, but 50 million elevators can't be wrong.

@GovernorPerry Hey, remember when I was a shoo-in for the nomination, before anyone had heard me speak? Good times.

@BarackObama Don't worry--I'll get the young people excited about me again when I unveil my new alter ego, "Ba-RAP Obama."

@newtgingrich I cannot confirm nor deny that I am Susan Boyle in a wig.

@KimKardashian I am like so devastated and whatever. I'm never going to meet another future ex-husband as great as what's-his-face.

@MikeDukeWalMart Why pepper spray each other when there's a 30% off sale on all firearms in aisle 5?

@THEHermanCain Not gonna lie. I kinda like my new nickname "Spermin' Herman." KA-BLAMMO!

@THEHermanCain Hey ladies, I'm tweeting this without using my hands. Call me. KA-POW!

@mrskutcher The bad news? I'm divorcing Ashton Kutcher. The good news? I get custody of him!

@THEHermanCain That woman who says we had an affair for 13 years is lying. In a negligee on my couch right now. KA-POW!

@JonHuntsman Just a quick reminder to my friends and family: I'm still running for president.

@DrConradMurray Sending me to jail won't bring Michael back, or kill LaToya.

@GovChristie Being governor means I'm on call 24 hours a day. Like my omelette chef.

@Pink My gynecologist just told me I should change my name to Grey.

@GovernorPerry Just gave the wife a lethal injection, if ya know what I mean.

@Kim_Jongil First Bin Laden, now Gadhafi? Next month's book club meeting is gonna be a snooze-a-thon!

@moammar_gadhafi I was so sleepy this morning that I accidentally poured orange juice over my corn flakes. Could this day get any worse?!? :(

@GovChristie I AM running for President----of the Oreo Double-Stuf Fan Club!

@Reedhastings We're now a restaurant. Sorry.

@MicheleBachmann Just heard R.E.M. broke up. Thanks a lot HPV vaccine!

@MarcusBachmann I like my women like I like my coffee. #PreferTea

@ChazBono Looking to sell a used vagina. $175. You must haul away.

@Andy_Richter Another day, another dollar. #ActualSalary

@RepRonPaul I am a viable candidate for President of the United States. So why am I eating alone at a Popeyes Fried Chicken?

@NancyGraceHLN Tune in to see me on Dancing With the Stars! Or if you want something sexier, search YouTube for "bad bus accidents!"

@MicheleBachmann Today, September 7, I wish all Americans a Happy 4th of July!

@marcusbachmann Hey, Chaz's penis still has that new penis smell!

@justinbieber I seem like the kind of guy an assistant coach could really fall for.

@gerarddepardieu In case anyone forgot, with all the recent big news in the world, a few weeks ago I peed on a plane.

@dustin_diamond_ Ladies: open casting call for "Screech's Peaches" - 10AM tomorrow, mattress behind 99 cent Store on Buena Vista.

@dick_cheney_ For every person who buys the e-book version of my memoirs, I go out and kill a tree anyway.

@ChazBono Hey, my penis still has that new penis smell!

@BarackObama Reminder - I killed that mofo Bin Laden! Please retweet!

@SofiaVergara Had nightmare that people finally found out my accent is fake and I'm from Wisconsin.

@Oprah I'm at a vending machine. Can anyone break a billion dollar bill?

@BarackObama Anyone heard from Bin Laden lately? LOL!

@MicheleBachmann My hubby cured another gay tonight! He's too tired to tell me about it, though. :(

@SenJohnMcCain Why can't I get this damn thing to just make me some toast!

@DalaiLama 50,000 hours of meditation later, I've realized it really is all about the Benjamins.

@BryanCranston Had lunch at Taco Bell, so right now I'M "breaking bad."

@Andy_Richter A bit about lame Tweets? Anyone need a new sidekick? Seriously, I can't take this crap anymore.

@WarHorseMovie Was just offered a part in a movie called "Peace Glue."

@TomBrady Sorry about my wife. I don't know why I put up with her...oh, wait, yes, I do.

@SpencerPratt Just because you haven't heard from me, doesn't mean I'm not still a world-class douche bag! #NeverForget

@RickSantorum Three more primary wins! I won't rest until the entire electoral map is covered in Santorum.

@NicolasCage To save time, I've started saying yes to movies that haven't even been written yet.

@MittRomney To the poor of America, I feel your pain. Wait, nope, that's just a paper cut.

@JoeBiden Not gonna lie - I've been home, in sweatpants, since Thanksgiving.

@GovChristie Just accidentally rolled my assistant in cookie dough and swallowed him whole. He knew the risks.

@BruceJenner It's been raining in Los Angeles. Luckily, I just had my face Armor-All'ed.

@TheWilfordBrimley Someone help me settle a bet with a friend. Am I still alive?

@MicheleBachmann Hi all! Great day today, not losing hope! #notgreatday

@TheAncientMayans You got 11 months and 21 days. Live it up, Whitey.

@kingsthings Let's hope 2012 is as much fun as 12.

@TheRealLaBamba 1 Large Pepperoni, 2 Diet Cokes. 124 Overlook Terrace, Sherman Oaks, 310-555-0199. Hello? Pizza Hut?

@KimJongUn Check out my 'do, yo! Mad shout-outs to Pyongyang Supercuts!

@GovChristie I can't believe it's 2012, but my bathroom scale has never lied before.

@AlvinSeville Chipwrecked is still killing at the box office! Time to find some hookers that want to get "chipmunched!"