Ice Cube, Kevin Hart And Conan Help A Student Driver

January 05, 2016

#CONAN Highlight: A CONAN staffer is learning the rules of the road, with a little help from Kevin Hart, Ice Cube, & Conan. Look out, fellow drivers!

TranscriptCONAN: Hey, everybody, meet one of my staff members Diana Chang. Hey, Diana. DIANA: Hey. CONAN: You're getting your driver's license. DIANA: Uh-huh. CONAN: I thought I'd take you out give you some of my pointers because I've been driving for a long time. I got my license when I was 16. And that was -- well, how old do you think I am? DIANA: Like 50 -- 50-something. But you are, right? CONAN: That's not the point. DIANA: You look at most 40. CONAN: I want you the look at the camera and say it's plausible that I'm in my early 30's. DIANA: It's plausible that Conan is in his early 30's. CONAN: That's me. That's my break, right? Isn't that cool? DIANA: Uh-huh. CONAN: I have my own brake. It's really fun. DIANA: Yeah, it's fun. CONAN: Did they tell you you should use both hands at all times? DIANA: Yeah. CONAN: I think that's not necessary. Makes it hard to text. Is it 10:00 and 2:00 they're supposed to be on? DIANA: Actually since air bags came out, we learned that you want to drive with them lower. CONAN: No one told me that. DIANA: Well, you might have learned driving before air bags came out. CONAN: You just let that guy pass you. And now it's like you're his bitch. So you've got to be like no, I'm not your bitch. You're my bitch. You accelerate and cut him off. Go faster. DIANA: I'm trying. CONAN: Now yell out the window "you're my bitch." DIANA: You're my bitch. CONAN: And you whispered it. You're doing the right thing. You're letting people cross. I think this couple right here is milking it. You know when I hate when people take their time crossing the street. Lower your window so the next time they can hear you the next time you say "you're my bitch." Go. DIANA: You're my bitch. CONAN: Those people -- That was sad. It was an older Asian couple -- did you feel bad doing that? DIANA: No, It felt great. CONAN: You glare in the window. Now they're coming up. Look what they're doing. No! He just passed you. You just got schooled by a Siena mini van. You're doing great, Diana but we're going to up the ante now. I want you to wlearn it's like to drive when there are other passengers in the car and maybe things get a little distracting. So we're going to swing by over here and pick up two of my friends. You cool with that. KEVIN: Hey! ICE CUBE: Yeah. DIANA: Oh, my gosh. KEVIN: Rule number one, don't \[BEEP] this up! ICE CUBE: We're in the backseat. Homies in the backseat right now. We might need you to do a drive-by so we will need you to slow down and ba, ba, ba, ba, ba! That's a "bonanza." CONAN: That's not "bonanza." KEVIN: I'm not putting no seat belt. Thug life. ICE CUBE: Hey, hey, Tupac was one of the biggest thugs I know. And he always wore his seat belt. CONAN: All right. Here we go. KEVIN: Slow down, Jesus. Why she take off all crazy? You every date a black guy? DIANA: Yeah. KEVIN: Was he cool? DIANA: He was kind of dorky. CONAN: Like urkle dorky? DIANA: No, no, he was -- ICE CUBE: Like Kevin Hart dorky. KEVIN: I'm the coolest guy. ICE CUBE: You're the friend zone guy. KEVIN: When they see me, the first thing that comes to mind is I want to bump bellies with them. I've been in the end zone lots of times and when I get in there I dance. CONAN: What are you talking about? KEVIN: I'm talking about \[BEEP]. Conan didn't get the met for. He didn't get it. We're talking to a nighttime Walker. CONAN: I'm not a nighttime Walker. ICE CUBE: Let's put him right here see how much money -- CONAN: I'm not a male prostitute. KEVIN: No, no, Conan. Stop it, Conan. ICE CUBE: I'll be back here in 20 minutes and have my trap full. I'll be here two hours and have my trap fool. CONAN: I honestly don't know what you're talking about. I'm not even doing a bit here. What do you mean "have your trap full"? Teaching Diana to drive turn into a I'm a male prostitute. You're going to put me out and you're going to come back in an hour and you want your trap full. ICE CUBE: You put on those jeans, not me. Watch it. Don't let him get over in your lane. KEVIN: You know what I used to do, I used to have a tray full of pennies. ICE CUBE: No, Batteries. CONAN: You would throw batteries at people? That's ridiculous. Here's a penny. KEVIN: Is this person cutting you off? CONAN: Throw a penny! Go! KEVIN: Did you have a target? DIANA: The person who cut me off. ICE CUBE: Police. CONAN: Pull over. ICE CUBE: I'm about to jump out! CONAN: No, no, fire department. ICE CUBE: Oh, okay, All right. KEVIN: I was out. CONAN: Kevin, you want to sit in front. KEVIN: You don't know what to do, Diana. I have to find someone to get mad at. Slow down. Hey, man! Stop cutting us off! Man you cutting us off Jack! This penny has your name on it man. I was about to throw a penny at you. You see Diana driving! She's a student driver. Get your -- together! Driving a car without power windows is a big mistake. I can't do this all day. You go, mother -- \[BEEP] CONAN: Hello, how you doing there? You good? KEVIN: We're looking for marijuana. CONAN: What did he say, Pedro and what? KEVIN: 12. 12 and Pedro. ICE CUBE: I think he was talking about san Pedro and 12. KEVIN: Is it two different places? CONAN: Why are you assuming that cube knows more about this neighborhood than I do? KEVIN: You're absolutely right about that. CONAN: That's racist. You're racist Torwards me. KEVIN: Is it Pedro or San Pedro? CONAN: I'm not sure. I've never been down here and I'm terrified. We're going to buy weed. Have you ever done crack. DIANA: Booger sugar? You ever done coke through your butt. I don't even know how that conversation goes. This is taking too long. Do me a favor and blow it in my butt. KEVIN: Don't follow rules. Rules are for bitches. CONAN: Yeah, bitches get stitches. ICE CUBE: It sounds like an announcement when you say it. "Bitches get stitches." CONAN: I thought it sound pretty good. KEVIN: Conan I bet you were wild in your college days. CONAN: Oh, man, I was balls to the wall. I put it up there and saw if it would stick. I had to roll that onion all the way down. I tried everything and everyone. Dudes -- I did it all. ICE CUBE : I knew you were a male prostitute. CONAN: I paid off my student loans. I'm going to get you guys a pinata. ICE CUBE: Don't sell no ass while you're out. KEVIN: Conan is dressed like a male prostitute. CONAN: I got you this pinata, OK? KEVIN: Hold it. CONAN: Give that to cube. ICE CUBE: The pinata's around here is bullshit CONAN: What's your favorite fast food? DIANA: Popeye's. KEVIN: Popeyes? Diana I almost married you just now. CONAN: There you go How much wood would chuck chuck If a chuck would chuck wood KEVIN: That's just bad man. CONAN: What the kids are listening to now, is bad. Naughty by nature, OPP how can how can I explain it? I'll take it frame by frame. KEVIN: What is that? DIANA: A dispensary. CONAN: Can we come in? She's normally used to putting drugs in her butt. CONAN: It's called the prison wallet? KEVIN: You like sour patch kids, Conan? CONAN: I love sour patch kids. I want two kilos of sour patch kids. Could you do me a favor? I want to fill this pinata with weed just start sacking them. Do you have any tape? You're down with O.P.P. CONAN: That's an insane amount of smoke. This is like a Cheech and Chong movie. Crack your window, we're going to die. We're going to go to jail. You had a good time? You're ready to call it quits, right? CONAN: Suddenly all my anxieties and fears are gone. ICE CUBE: You about to runs red light Conan. CONAN: I'm about to break the law with a lot of weed on me. I broke the law in front of this policeman. ICE CUBE: We ain't scared of no po-po! KEVIN: Here I'm good with cops, let me handle it. Hello. >> You might want to get out the way. CONAN: Sorry about this sir. >>You're blocking a crosswalk. KEVIN: Sir, here's the good thing about me first and foremost, I'm a Christian. And what I learned is that Jesus once walked on water. I don't know where I'm going with this, guys. CONAN: Thank you very much, officer. KEVIN: Thank you. CONAN: It won't happen again. KEVIN: Yeah, po-po you better get going. KEVIN: What do you guys think? This chicken -- ICE CUBE: This is crack cocaine. CONAN: I wonder if you could take this up the butt. KEVIN: I would do it, That's the only time I would do it. CONAN: Diana, you're ready for your driver's test. Kevin: No, you are. If the instructor tells you anything that you don't like, you throw a battery at his ass.