1. Bill Burr Teaches Elijah Wood How To Kill

Bill Burr Teaches Elijah Wood How To Kill

Elijah is scared of home invasion, so Bill recommends a .22. Enough to put down a killer - without all that unpleasant hearing loss.


CONAN: Bill, good to have you on again.
Thanks for being here.
BILL BURR: It's nice to be here.
You know what I actually have the same dream about somebody coming into my house.
CONAN: You do?
ELIJAH WOOD: This happens a lot, actually - where I'll just be falling asleep and I'll think, I'll run through an entire scenario of a home invasion.
ELIJAH WOOD: And I don't have any kind of weapon in my house.
BILL BURR: Yeah, so you want to go with a .22 caliber, right?
Perfect gun to shoot in the house.
Locale per.
You can't really kill anybody from a distance.
So if they take a hostage, you can just start shooting at them.
ELIJAH WOOD: Good to know.
BILL BURR: When I'm on the road, I talk about getting a .2, everybody makes fun of me.
That guy thing, what are you going to shoot, a squirrel?
If you're in the house, that's what you want.
I'm basically teaching you guys how to kill somebody, I think.
CONAN: So a .22 you think is superior to part of a vacuum cleaner?
You don't want a.44 magnum.
You're going to shoot the guy, through the wall, blow your dog's brains out, drop the engine out of your car.
Way too much.
Like a little .22.
You can still hear if you miss.
I shot a .32 one time with no hearing protection.
I was doing landscaping for this guy.
He was like I got this five-shot .38, I never shot it.
It was in the 1980's.
CONAN: You can't explain everything but oh, it was the 1980's.
Why did you do that?
It was the 1980's.
BILL BURR: We went down the street.
Somebody burned a car for insurance.
We were shooting at that and after the first shot I couldn't hear anything.
I never forgot that.
So if you're in the house and you miss, now you can't hear.
You're blinded by the muzzle spray.
The guy comes at you with a sickle.
CONAN: A sickle?
Is he harvesting wheat?
What's he doing in your house?
BILL BURR: I honestly -- as you get older you think about safety.
I totally relate to that.
When you're home alone, it's just that feeling.
You're the only person there.
You're what's for dinner.
If somebody comes in it's on up.
That's why I never was comfortable in a motel.
You're laying in this bed like two feet from a door that just opens up into the parking lot.
Any guy can come in and you're just not ready to have a fight to the death.
You're just laying there -- this guy comes in --
CONAN: To be honest, I'm never ready to have a fight to the death.
You think in a motel you're particularly vulnerable?
BILL BURR: Just drive by a motel and looking at it.
You're looking at the doors like there are people in there just laying on the beds half naked.
You could put your foot right through the door.
He's going to be like that.
That's it.
Last thing you're going to see, you're going to be looking back at your own body.
CONAN: You're crazy.
BILL BURR: No, I do think about that.