Clueless Gamer: Conan Reviews "Assassin's Creed: Unity"

November 10, 2014

CONAN Highlight: Conan plays the latest installment of "Assassin's Creed." He loves the historical aspect but takes issue with the dodgy accents. Cor blimey!

TranscriptCONAN: OK, this is very exciting. We are getting a sneak peek at one of the most highly anticipated video games of the season, assassin's creed unity. It takes place during the French revolution and it's by the company ubisoft, you be soft is what my wife said to me on my wedding night. [Laughter] CONAN: You have heard that before. Once again, Aaron Bleyeart. A little bit of back story. Assassin's creed follows this centuries old secret war between two factions, the assassins and the item polars. OK, in the previous game, you play a person in the present day who is related to the lineage of assassins and there is a voice, you go back into your D.N.A. and you can play memories of your ancestors. CONAN: Let's just say we are going to go into the French revolution and we are asisans. >> Yeah, OK, sure. So we play a guy named arno Dorian. CONAN: That's the young arno. He is being brought to Versailles. This is gorgeous looking. >> Our dad got murdered when we were 8. >> He is adopted? >> His adopted father gets killed. >> Also? >> I have advice for anyone who wants to adopt arno Dorian, don't do it! The kid is bad news. >> I will return when this hand reaches the top. CONAN: Unless of course I'm killed. Then I'll never do that. >> Yes, father. >> Yes, father, I live in France but I have a British accent. CONAN: This is where Kanye west lives. >> She figures into the story a little bit later. CONAN: I bet when they both get older, they do it. >> She ends up being your sister by adoption. CONAN: By adoption? Still do it. >> Just go for it here. CONAN: Is this her? >> You can't steal one. CONAN: Steal what? >> An apple. CONAN: This is all to steal an apple. You got to run away. Go to the light. CONAN: Got to the light? That's what I told my grandfather when he was sick. We have stolen a apple and run in circles. When can I graur to a level to -- >> Let's skip here now. You have been thrown in the Bastille. This is years later. CONAN: So everyone here has stolen a different fruit, right? What are you in for? Banana. What about you, pomegranate. What are you in for? Not having a French accent. That's a watch, my father gave it to me. >> Go to sleep. CONAN: We stole an apple, put in jainled time to go to sleep. >> The game gets dramatically more exciting. CONAN: You think it would? >> What is this piss pot. CONAN: He called me a piss pot. >> I'm in no mood for this. What is your name, boy? >> Arno Victor Dorian. >> Yes, your father is the dead guy, your stepfather is the other dead guy. I remember you. Here is your watch. Two months later? Training us now. CONAN: OK. >> The gate. >> We're trying to escape the Bastille. CONAN: Get out of here. >> Kill these guys! CONAN: I kind of kicked him. I kicked him. [Screaming] CONAN: This is fantastic. >> Run to the left, run to the left. CONAN: I wanted to get some more fruit. Nice office. Look at that. >> Oh, yeah. CONAN: Look at that painting. My guy is going to look at that for a little bit. That's a beautiful painting. I'm going to see if I can memorize it for later on. Can I get out of here now? >> Let's escape from the Bastille. Yeah! CONAN: Get out of here! Get out of here! >> What are you waiting for piss pot? CONAN: Why is he calling me that. That's rude at this point. We have trained together for months. He knows my name. I lost both of my dads. I saved him. >> Get your head out of your arse. CONAN: You're French! You're French. I got to go, right? >> Oh! CONAN: That's beautiful. Now, that was to get to the beginning of the game. Just so we're clear, I have been here for six days. Do the math here, that's all the things you can do. That's mine numbing. >> There are historical figures in this game? >> Let's find, the guy that died in the bathtub. If you take a bath, they get mad. >> This is Notre Dame. >> You know what that is? That is actually the odor of the French people wafting in the city. That is pure Frenchman funk rising up. >> We can customize what we look like. CONAN: Let's get them colorful, yeah, go with that. Yellow. >> Jump into the hay and mix it up down below. What do you think? >> Oh! CONAN: What is that one yelling about? >> It's the French revolution. CONAN: This is what French are like now. Go to the airport and they're all yelling. The we do not wish to pay taxes. We want everything all the time. We want Germany to pay for our health care. I want to fight somebody. Kill the criminals. >> Let's protect them. CONAN: Nice, nice. >> Double assassination. CONAN: There is no time for that. I hate high fives. >> You can salute the body. >> I can stand over the body. That's fantastic. >> We got an invoice. >> What good is an invoice? Let's lose the body again and see if we can find another receipt. Exciting game. Excuse me, just going to molest these bodies. >> You want to do a mission? CONAN: Accomplish something, that's our mission, we're going to stop the public censors from stopping theatrical productions. Are you going to kill they will or talk to them? >> I'm not sure. There is a huge assassination mission we can do as well. CONAN: Why do that? We can collect receipts and get involved in theatrical labor disputes. Let's kill a lot of people and take their fruit. Are we going to die now? >> We're going to jump into the hay. CONAN: Whoa! Some hay and there always is. No one notices that I just took a 600-foot dive into hay. This guy instead of being an assassin to rent himself out as the great hay diver. Now I'm just randomly killing people. Come for a murder. Oh, geez. There is a hay wagon, note to self, jump into that later on. >> Oh, nice. CONAN: It's on! It's on! Go, I love this. I love this! >> Oh. CONAN: Sweet! Assassin's creed unity, I love the graphics, I love the violence, the realistic depicks, the amount of history in here is absolutely incredible. In the true spirit of French spoken with a British accent, I give this a blimey, guvnor! [Cheers and Applause]

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