Anna Faris’ Unqualified Dating Advice

January 10, 2017

CONAN Highlight: According to Anna, athletes, chefs, and magicians are a no-no. Woodworkers can get it though.

TranscriptCONAN: OK, what's book about? ANNA: it sort of came from doing the pod wasp -- podcast and it's a book about my unqualified advice and my terrible theories that I have on life. I hope it's a book that people read but it's probably a book that nobody should read because I know nothing. CONAN: Your publisher hates you right now. ANNA: I know, but I love them. CONAN: What kind of advice are you give something specific advice? ANNA: yeah, that's a chapter -- like threesomes sounds like a great idea, right? Then I list my thoughts about threesomes. Which I don't actually think it's a great idea. And one of the chapters is men in professions you should not date, which starts off with magician. CONAN: You don't think any woman should date a magician? If it's a magician, just end it right away? ANNA: I think someone who really enjoys tricking you -- I enjoy a good magician every now and again but in my daily life do you want somebody who's like I'm not telling you my secrets? CONAN: Right, try again. ANNA: yeah. CONAN: That would be awful. ANNA: can you knock it off and tell me your secrets. Second is musician unless classical. Except you don't want first chair. I don't think you want like the first chair violin. CONAN: Why, it's too? ANNA: no offense. I want to date all of you. If you would have me. At this point they hate me. CONAN: Many of them aren't musicians. I won't say which ones but there's three of them that it's really not good. ANDY: more a union thing. CONAN: He knew a guy who knew a guy. He bangs coconuts together. Who's a -- ANNA: do you want to hear more? CONAN: Yeah, I want to hear more. ANNA: athlete not just because of the rumors of cheating. You'd have to be like, you know, that rookie is not so good. The constant emotional like I know you guys lost but you'll win next -- that seems like a big chore. CONAN: That's how my wife talks to me and I'm a comedian. She's like they'll laugh next team. There's laughter out there for you honey, I believe in you. ANNA: well, comedian -- CONAN: Also on the list, right? Yeah, we're a freak show. ANNA: you should be number one. I'm going to revise it. Anyway, chef, I have a bunch of them. CONAN: Wait a minute, a chef seems perfect. Baby, you're home. I just made this amazing, cool dish for you to eat. ANNA: you've just entered the chef trap. That's what you think but in my experience watching "hell's kitchen" -- [Laughter] ANNA: kitchen cultivates like an environment of anger. CONAN: Anger. ANNA: and for me, I think it's hard to just leave it home. Your chef is going to bring home the testifier. CONAN: So he's not going to make you this great pasta every night and a perfectly poured glass of wine. He's just going to be smashed in the corner. ANNA: he'll come home at 4:00 in the morning all pissed. CONAN: Who's your dream guy? ANNA: the only guy you can date is a work -- woodworking -- a guy who knows how to make specifically canoes and that's all. Or maybe a small sailboat like Kevin Costner and "message in a bottle." ANDY: I think Nick offerman. CONAN: Yeah, Nick offerman makes canoes. ANNA: he's happily married and essentially there's no one left for us. Not only if I not dated anybody on my list but I also violated a profession on my list, which was an actor, further down but still on there.

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