1. CONAN Monologue 01/07/2014

CONAN Monologue 01/07/2014

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Miley Cyrus, "Wolf of Wall Street," Michael Bay, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Man, the country is still in a deep freeze.
Incredible, isn't it?
I know not here.
I hate to point that out to the home viewer, but --
[Laughter]
Look at it out there.
It's 72 and blue.
ANDY: This morning, I had to put on a jacket.
CONAN: That's true.
Saddest story I've heard all week.
No, this is true.
There are record cold temperatures still all across the country.
That's the big story.
In fact, it's so cold Miley Cyrus licked a hammer and her tongue got stuck to it.
She's dragging it around.
[Laughter]
That would be fun to see her sitting in the emergency room.
ANDY: Yeah, just waiting there.
CONAN: What's is going on?
Critics are saying the new movie "wolf of Wall Street" uses the f Word 506 times.
[Applause]
Then again, so did everyone booked on JetBlue this week.
[Laughter]
Anybody here?
They don't buy advertising on our show, do they?
Oh, they do.
Well, that's a mistake.
[Laughter]
Why didn't we talk about that before the show?
That's your job.
Well, they'll probably drop no more money.
That's it.
You all heard about Dennis Rodman, what he's up to.
Thank you, sir.
One guy back up there, "it's True."
It's Scottie Pippen.
He's sitting in the audience.
Dennis Rodman has brought some ex-NBA stars to North Korea.
Not to promote diplomacy, to avoid child support payments.
[Laughter]
Too late.
This is crazy.
Did you see, he had a meltdown, Dennis Rodman, it's nuts.
During a satellite interview From North Korea, Dennis Rodman started screaming at a cnn reporter.
There was an awkward moment when Kim Jeung unisaid my God, this guy is a lunatic.
On the internet in Las Vegas, "transformers" director Michael bay stormed offstage after a teleprompter wasn't showing his speech.
Yeah, true.
They said he hasn't walked out on anything since he saw the last "transformers" movie.
Thank you.
I felt good about that.
[Applause]
Oh, wow, OK.
The teleprompter turned into a car.
Too far, too far.
Netflix is in the news.
The C.E.O. had such a successful year, the company is giving him a 50% pay raise.
Yeah.
When he heard, hastings got so excited he began live-streaming in his pants.
[Laughter]
Makes for an awkward boardroom.
The niece of fashion designer Ralph Lauren forced her flight to land in Ireland due to a drunken rage incident.
Had to land the plane in Ireland.
Upon landing, authorities immediately detained her and made her prime minister of Ireland.
[Laughter]
They're like, she's got what it takes.
She's got it all this one, hey diddle diddle.
Yes, I can do that.
I'm allowed.
[Applause]
Hee, hee!
My Irish guy is half pirate, half hillbilly.
ANDY: Right.
CONAN: I don't know what that's all about.
ANDY: And a little bit of lord of the dance.
[Laughter]
CONAN: I just ripped my groin.
All right.
What else is going on?
This is a crazy story.
In Seattle a woman ate nothing but Starbucks for a year.
Yeah.
Not intentionally.
It just took her that long to get to the front of the line.
[Laughter]
Yes, yes.
I understand the plight of the people.
The "duck dynasty" cast has added a new puppy to the show.
Unfortunately, Phil Robertson fired the puppy after he saw it sniffing another dog's butt.
[Applause]
Get out of here!