1. CONAN Monologue 02/27/14

CONAN Monologue 02/27/14

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about the Oscars, the NBA, Arizona, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Sunday night's Oscars will be the first time the ceremony is streamed live online.
isn't that cool?
It's perfect for anyone who ever watched the Oscars and thought, this would be great if only there were more buffering.
I don't understand why anyone would want to see that.
ANDY: I don't know.
CONAN: Thank you.
CONAN: The very first academy awards ceremony lasted 15 minutes. Fun fact.
And thanks to the fast-forward button on my D.V.R., so will this year's.
Ever do that?
Go right through it?
Ever do it with this show? Ok.
You doing it right now?
Workers in the special effects industry are unhappy about seeing their jobs go overseas, so they'll be protesting at the Oscars.
Only five will be at the protest, but with C.G.I., it will look like hundreds.
Also a big sports story. Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay play, has the top-selling jersey in the league store.
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: Yeah, that's great.
Finally a gay man who's not afraid to stand up and say "I have my own clothing line."
The governor of Arizona is in the news.
The governor has vetoed the state's anti-gay law.
[APPLAUSE]
The governor said she wants to make it clear that gays are welcome in her state as long as they're not Mexican.
[LAUGHTER]
In a new report that just came out, scientists say they are more certain than ever of the reality of global warming.
Scientists issued this report from their beachfront headquarters in Ohio.
ANDY: Hi, Conan.
CONAN: Hello, Andy.
ANDY: Still here.
CONAN: I know.
This one's no good either!
The producer is like yeah, I'd get rid of that, too.
Where were you with the other ones, pal?
Hey, how about this, gang?
There's a new technique that would allow for three people to be the parent of the same baby.
Yeah.
Personally I found that disappointing two parents is more than enough.
[LAUGHTER]
That wasn't meant to be a joke.
That was just me telling you how sad my life is.
In California, that's where we are, in California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says god told him to sell pot.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza.
I do appreciate, there's one guy over here on every setup to a joke, he would go, "what?
I'd say, did you hear what happened over here and he's like what?
ANDY: So helpful.
CONAN: Should get that guy every night.
That wasn't it.
It was a what?
Kind of nice.
Gave a feeling of like, hey, Conan is on to something, let's hear more.