1. CONAN Monologue 04/03/14

CONAN Monologue 04/03/14

Conan jokes about Oklahoma, Six Flags, The Dallas Cowboys, and more... #ConanDallas


Conan: I've got to say, it's been great spending a week here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, yeah.
[Cheers and applause]
Or -- or as I like to call it Dallas, OK?
[Cheers and applause]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
The TV show wasn't called "Dallas/Fort Worth"!
There was no time for that stuff.
This is my last night in Dallas, though.
But I leave Texas with new friends, great memories and dangerously clogged arteries, I'm telling you.
I have eaten my body weight every night.
Literally, I weigh myself before the meal and I say bring me that much meat.
ANDY: My plan is on the ride home, I'm just going to eat a bowl of lipitor.
CONAN: It doesn't work that way.
You have a lot of fun sayings.
One of my favorite Texas sayings is "all hat no cattle" which is awkward because that's my porn name.
More sad than anything.
Don't woo that.
It's sad.
Here's something I learned.
Texas was was an independent nation that bordered the U.S. from 1846 -- 1843 to 1845.
And then the U.S. surrendered to Texas.
I've got some local news.
Texas lawmakers have been asked to find a location to store high level radioactive waste.
It's in the news.
Then somebody said what about Oklahoma?
Some guys in the second row are from Oklahoma.
I didn't like it.
I didn't like it one bit!
That's an angry drive home.
I thought he was a nice guy!
Putting radioactive waste, I don't think so.
A lot of great things started in Dallas.
Dallas is home to the first six flags theme park.
[Cheers and applause]
Of course, if you really like being on a roller coaster you can just root for the Cowboys.
[Cheers and applause]
What do you mean boo?
First of all, that's the laziest boo I've ever heard.
This guy right here just went boo.
Boo. Boo.
Put your heart into it next time.
Audience member: Boo!
CONAN: No, that's just crazy. Come on, if you're going to boo Conan O'Brien, let's do it Texas style!
Audience member: Boo!
[Cheers and applause]
CONAN: Very nice.
There's an ambulance on the way.
Wee-aw, wee-aw.
Yeah, the Dallas Cowboys are of course known as America's team.
Meanwhile the Astros are known as definitely Houston's team.
Are you OK with that?
Oh, he likes that.
Oh, good.
Can I get a "yay" for that?
Audience member: Yeah!
CONAN: Just an inarticulate moan.
Andy: He's better at boos.