1. CONAN Monologue 04/03/14

CONAN Monologue 04/03/14

Conan jokes about Oklahoma, Six Flags, The Dallas Cowboys, and more... #ConanDallas

Transcript:

Conan: I've got to say, it's been great spending a week here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, yeah.
[Cheers and applause]
Or -- or as I like to call it Dallas, OK?
[Cheers and applause]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
The TV show wasn't called "Dallas/Fort Worth"!
There was no time for that stuff.
This is my last night in Dallas, though.
Yeah.
But I leave Texas with new friends, great memories and dangerously clogged arteries, I'm telling you.
I have eaten my body weight every night.
Literally, I weigh myself before the meal and I say bring me that much meat.
ANDY: My plan is on the ride home, I'm just going to eat a bowl of lipitor.
CONAN: It doesn't work that way.
You have a lot of fun sayings.
One of my favorite Texas sayings is "all hat no cattle" which is awkward because that's my porn name.
[Laughter]
More sad than anything.
Don't woo that.
It's sad.
Here's something I learned.
Texas was was an independent nation that bordered the U.S. from 1846 -- 1843 to 1845.
And then the U.S. surrendered to Texas.
I've got some local news.
Texas lawmakers have been asked to find a location to store high level radioactive waste.
It's in the news.
Then somebody said what about Oklahoma?
 [APPLAUSE]
Some guys in the second row are from Oklahoma.
I didn't like it.
I didn't like it one bit!
[Laughter]
That's an angry drive home.
 [Laughter]
I thought he was a nice guy!
Putting radioactive waste, I don't think so.
A lot of great things started in Dallas.
Dallas is home to the first six flags theme park.
[Cheers and applause]
Of course, if you really like being on a roller coaster you can just root for the Cowboys.
[Cheers and applause]
Boo?
What do you mean boo?
First of all, that's the laziest boo I've ever heard.
This guy right here just went boo.
Boo. Boo.
[Laughter]
Put your heart into it next time.
Audience member: Boo!
CONAN: No, that's just crazy. Come on, if you're going to boo Conan O'Brien, let's do it Texas style!
Audience member: Boo!
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
CONAN: Very nice.
There's an ambulance on the way.
Boo!
Wee-aw, wee-aw.
Wee-aw.
Yeah, the Dallas Cowboys are of course known as America's team.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Meanwhile the Astros are known as definitely Houston's team.
Are you OK with that?
Oh, he likes that.
Oh, good.
Can I get a "yay" for that?
Audience member: Yeah!
[Laughter]
CONAN: Just an inarticulate moan.
Andy: He's better at boos.