1. CONAN Monologue 04/30/14

CONAN Monologue 04/30/14

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Donald Sterling, Star Wars, Kim Kardashian, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Clippers owner Donald sterling has been banned for life from the gnash.
[applause]
Probably going to have to sell.
People are now wondering who the new clippers owner will be.
That's right.
All the NBA has said so far is it's definitely not anyone from "duck dynasty."
That wouldn't go over so well.
This is strange.
Yesterday democratic senator Barbara boxer mistaken acalled city cent a singing group.
Meanwhile, Republicans called city -- fifty cent a fair hourly wage.
Yeah, thank you, sir.
Your cackle lasted a little longer than everyone else's in L.A.
did.
Ha ha!
On the "Today" show Matt Lauer admitted that he's never seen "Star Wars."
Yes.
Yeah, it was part of their new segment "where in the world has Matt Lauer been for the past 37 years?"
Can you believe he hasn't seen "Star Wars"?
ANDY: Kind of weird.
CONAN: Yeah, and why admit it at that point?
ANDY: Maybe he values honesty.
CONAN: Thank you for that chillingly honest answer.
Here's a story. In Canada, a Budweiser blimp has broken free and is on the loose.
Yeah.
Or maybe it's Rob Ford, we don't know.
[applause]
It's hard to know. It's floating.
ANDY: Right.
CONAN: Florida is in the news.
Florida passed a bill that allows gun owners to carry concealed weapons during a state of emergency.
Yeah.
By the way, a state of emergency in Florida includes hurricanes, earthquakes and living in Florida.
Major league lacrosse.
I like this story.
Major league lacrosse is upset at Jay-Z because in one of his new lyrics he calls the sport soft.
Meanwhile, rappers are upset that Jay-Z is now rapping about lacrosse.
What --
[applause]
When will the rap lacrosse wars end?
That's what I want to know.
ANDY: Terrible.
CONAN: I want to see the video for that one.
ANDY: I've never heard the phrase "major league lacrosse"
before.
I didn't realize there was one.
CONAN: I blew past that part because it was too funny.
The Colorado symphony orchestra announced it will play a series of cannabis-friendly concerts.
The first one is Sunday.
They'll be playing Beethoven's 420 symphony.
The whoo was unnecessary, sir.
I knew you were high when I came out.
You were facing the wrong way.
This week, Kim Kardashian and Kanye west will hold a private wedding ceremony.
Yeah, the private ceremony will be simulcast on E!
TLC and Bravo.
Check it out.
In Canada, a man named Donald Popadick -- I'm not done yet --
there's more to this story.
Let me begin again.
In Canada, a man named Donald Popadick was arrested for indecent exposure.
True.
[applause]
That's a true story.
That's not the joke.
That's the true part.
ANDY: Well, he's not going to be arrested for car theft.
CONAN: I know.
No, it's true.
A guy named Donald Popadick in Canada was arrested for indecent exposure.
At least that was the story from Jennifer you call that a dick?