CONAN Monologue 05/02/17

May 03, 2017

Conan jokes about Trumpcare, Obamacare, and Long John Silvers.

TranscriptCONAN: ALL THE TV WRITERS HAVE REACHED A DEAL WITH THE STUDIOS WHICH MEANS THERE WILL NOT BE A WRITERS' STRIKE. YEAH. IN FACT MY WRITERS PLAN TO GET BACK TO WORK ABOUT THREE JOKES FROM NOW. THAT'S WHY I WAS KILLING ALL THAT TIME UP FRONT. THEY'RE STILL PHONING IT IN. WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON? EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT THE NEW HEALTHCARE PLAN POSSIBILITY. ANALYSTS ARE SAYING THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS NOT READ HIS NEW HEALTHCARE PLAN AND IN FACT, HE'S SPENT NO TIME GETTING FAMILIAR WITH IT. THE FIRST TIME WAS WHEN HE CALLED IT MELANIA. WHICH ONE ARE YOU? TODAY THERE WAS A CALL BETWEEN RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN AND PRESIDENT TRUMP. THEY HAD A PHONE CALL. YEAH. THE CALL WAS ALL PART OF PUTIN'S ANNUAL EMPLOYEE REVIEW. TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING. [APPLAUSE] HOUSE REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T HAVE THE VOTES. YEAH, HOUSE REPUBLICANS DEFENDED THEMSELVES SAND SAID PLEASE, IT'S A SOOTHING RITUAL THAT COMFORTS US. LET US DO IT. WE LIKE TO REPEAL AND REPLACE. WE LIKE TO DO IT EVERY THREE MONTHS. WHILE DISCUSSING HEALTHCARE, A REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN FROM ALABAMA SAID THAT PEOPLE WHO LEAD GOOD LIVES DON'T GET SICK. [LAUGHTER] NOW, SECONDS LATER, HE DROPPED DEAD. [APPLAUSE] GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL SAYS SHE IS CONFIDENT THAT FAKE NEWS WILL NOT HARM HER CHANCES IN GERMANY'S ELECTION. IN FACT, MERKEL WAS SO CONFIDENT SHE'S GOING TO WIN, SHE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO CAMPAIGN IN WISCONSIN. WASN'T SURE THAT WOULD WORK. WE DEBATED IT BACKSTAGE. I SAID GIVE IT A CHANCE. [LAUGHTER] I WAS WRONG. AS PART OF A LIMITED CAMPAIGN MCDONALD'S IS OFFERING FORKS MADE FROM FRENCH FRIES. FORKS MADE FROM FRENCH FRIES. NOT TO BE OUTDONE TODAY. LONG JOHN SILVER'S BEGAN OFFERING SEAFOOD MADE FROM FISH. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO TRY. [APPLAUSE] WHO HAS EATEN AT LONG JOHN SILVER'S RECENTLY? SEE, NO. IT'S AN EASY RESTAURANT TO GO AFTER BECAUSE NO ONE CARES. IT'S NOT ONE PERSON THAT’S LIKE: THAT'S ME. ANDY: FOR ALL WE KNOW, THEY NO LONGER EXIST. CONAN: I FOUND THAT THAT'S THE SAFE CHAIN TO GO AFTER. IF YOU MENTION BURGER KING -- OH, I LIKE BURGER KING AND SOMEONE'S OUT. LONG JOHN SILVER'S NO ONE CARES AND THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY.