1. CONAN Monologue 05/07/13

CONAN Monologue 05/07/13

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about about Bill Clinton, Viagra, Taco Bell, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can amendment.
As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.
True story.
Yeah, that's true.
[APPLAUSE]
He ate bald eagles.
Oh, my gosh.
And white seals.
White, baby seals.
This is all true.
You can't make this up.
No, Chris Christie revealed he has undergone weight reduction surgery.
Yeah.
As a result, I'll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.
That is bad news -- late night hosts everywhere are bummed out.
Be a very thin man soon.
What else is going on?
OK.
I'm asking you when I know the answer.
When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said "she's having a little fun being a private citizen."
Then he added, not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless.
We're going to get crazy.
[APPLAUSE]
I don't know if you heard this story, a Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving.
Yeah.
So it was a relief to find a Catholic official getting in trouble for having a beer on his lap.
[APPLAUSE]
So glad you could skip those finals, huh?
[Laughter]
My mom won't like that one.
How could you tell that joke?
Why did you do it?
My mother's Edith bunker.
In a recent poll that just came out, red lobster was voted one of the top 10 places that cheaters like to bring their dates.
Yeah, which explains their new slogan, red lobster, a great place to get crabs.
It's a true story.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Thank you.
I got an award for that joke.
It was fantastic.
I'll keep it right there.
You all heard about this guy that made a gun with a printer.
Crazy.
ANDY: Some 3D printer.
CONAN: A Texas man has fired the first ever gun created by a 3D printer.
Yeah, yeah.
Which raises the question -- don't you think a gun created by a printer would jam?
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: What?
Incredible!
That's two awards.
ANDY: You deserve them.
CONAN: Who would applaud the notion that you can create a gun.
Someone up there is like yeah!
That's just what we need, a way to make guns with printers.
ANDY: At home on your easy bake oven.
CONAN: A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it's the fault of women who wear revealing clothes.
So yet another setback for the Tehran hooters.
Bad deal for the hooters in Tehran.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you.
What -- what?
Incredible.
That's three awards that are invisible and exist only in my mind.
This is weird.
Strange thing is happening with these businesses lately.
After dominoes admitted it used to make terrible pizza, J.C.
penny has come out with an ad apologizing for disappointing his customers.
And office depot said it had wished it had been a better father.
Yeah.
No award for that one.
[Laughter]
You want me to give one back?
Here you go.
I'll give that back.
Listen to this, gang.
The company that makes Viagra has started letting customers order it online.
You can get Viagra online.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Finally someone's figured out a way for the Internet to give erections.
Isn't that amazing?
Increbled.
-- incredible.
[APPLAUSE]
True story.
I mentioned the Viagra thing and yeah!
Get that online!