1. CONAN Monologue 05/08/14

CONAN Monologue 05/08/14

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Mother's Day, Hooters, Netflix, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Mothers day almost here.
You guys ready?
Are you ready?
You got your plan for your moms?
You take care of your moms all right?
Got the flowers ordered and all that?
Here's the news.
You are probably wondering what is the most
popular mothers day gift.
Well according to a study, let's pretend some of you want to
know that, this is true, according to a study the most common
present given on mothers day is a gift card for a massage.
Yeah, the perfect gift for a mother who wants to be touched by
anyone but your dad.

[APPLAUSE]
Oh, good, anyone but him!
Some good news for moms.
On mothers day apparently moms can eat for free at hooters.
Yeah.
Because there is no better way to honor your mother than to
take her to a sexist restaurant and not pay for anything.
It's free!
What's going on?
Not so good news.
A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end
up completely underwater.
Yeah.
Bostonians say we're OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in
town.
They hate them that much.
Any astronomy freaks here?
Not one.
Up waited too long, which means you are lying!
Just so you can hear your woo on television later on.
I know what you are up to.
Anyone interested in astronomy?
U.H., woo?

[LAUGHTER]

ANDY: It might have just been neil degrassse Tyson being
silent. Google it later.

CONAN: Yeah.
Yeah.
You should have a computer there.
Can we afford to have Andy have a computer there?

ANDY: That's great, but I will not listen to a word you say
then.
I'll just be -- 
CONAN: We know what you will be -- 
ANDY: I'll be shopping.

CONAN: No, no, no.
I know what you will be watching, and you won't be shopping.
Seriously, it's all he does.

ANDY: Not true!

CONAN: It is true.
You put porn on other peoples's computers!
He does.
He does.

ANDY: Conan, I am very involved in milf research.

CONAN: I can't tell you how many times people go to their computers, turn them on and say, Andy!

ANDY: When you're good at something, you do it.

CONAN: Yeah.
Anyway, there was a joke somewhere and here it is.
Astronomers say they've found a planet with an eight-hour day.
Even more surprising, at least six hours of that day
are wasted on facebook.
Whatever.
All that for that?
Yeah.

[APPLAUSE]

CONAN: Thank you.
That was a 40-minute walk for a cracker.

[LAUGHTER]
Here's a weird story.
In New Hampshire it's been ruled that a man has the right to keep
his license plate that says "cops lie."
He can keep it.
Yeah, the man also has the right to get pulled over 18 times a
day.
There's an app now that will choose something random
for you to watch on Netflix.
The app is called your girlfriend.
Crazy story.
A guy got a tattoo on his leg of the K.F.C. double down
sandwich.
He wanted to do something he would regret even more than eating a
K.F.C. double down sandwich.
I've seen it.
It's on his leg.

ANDY: Yeah.

CONAN: That must be a good sandwich!

ANDY: It must be the 
CONAN: "I got to get this tattooed on my leg now."