1. CONAN Monologue 05/13/14

CONAN Monologue 05/13/14

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Ikea, WalMart, "Star Wars," and more...


CONAN: Kim Kardashian daughter has said her first word.
That's the story.
ANDY: Wow.
That's our lead tonight.
CONAN: That's our lead.
Biggest story today, this Tuesday.
Kim Kardashian's daughter, north, has reportedly said her first word, "dada."
Reportedly she's also been calling Bruce Jenner grandma.
I love you!
He has to actually hold his hands on the side of his face.
Over the weekend the Chicago Cubs, tough time for them.
Over the weekend the Chicago Cubs lost their 10th -- 10,000th game.
They want to focus on the 100 games they've won.
This past quarter, tough news for the U.S. postal service.
The U.S. postal service has a $2 billion loss this quarter.
$2 billion.
The post office lost all that money because it's been sending everything FedEx.
It works great.
It's just costing them an arm or a leg.
Ikea is in the news.
I'm not making this shit up, although I might as well be making it up because it's so stupid to talk about.
Get this, gang, Ikea is in the news.
Gather round, everybody.
ANDY: They've been accused of murder.
CONAN: You can't say that.
ANDY: I don't know, I thought it would be more fun.
CONAN: You can't say that, that's a big company.
Our producer is like, oh, no, you can't do that.
You can't do that, no.
ANDY: But if they did murder someone, it would have a cool name, like yalfarg.
CONAN: You don't care about this show tonight, do you?
Ikea in his the news, I tell you, gang.
That's right.
Now I'm getting the respect I'm due.
Ikea announced it's going to turn its first store into a museum.
That's right.
It's going to be called the metropolitan museum of things that break after two years.
In North Dakota -- oh, my God.
In North Dakota, a woman -- shut up.
In North Dakota, a woman gave birth in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
Yeah, that's right.
Which is surprising, since you usually find labor at a home depot parking lot.
-- home depot parking lot.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll take your smattering of booze, I don't care.
Kerry Fisher is in the news.
She's reportedly lost 40 pounds for the upcoming "Star Wars"
And Chewbacca got a full Brazilian wax. Aaaahhh!
ANDY: You mean head to toe?
CONAN: He's just one strip.
Is that even the right noise?
ANDY: I don't know.
CONAN: That was something else, Andy.
I hurt myself.
Anyone just tuning in thinks we're having strokes.
ANDY: Dueling strokes.
CONAN: The new ratings grabber.
Check it out tonight.
Andy and Conan have dueling strokes.
This is a weird story.
On Mother's Day, which was a couple days ago now, right?
ANDY: Ages ago.
CONAN: What is it, Tuesday?
ANDY: Yeah, it's Tuesday.
CONAN: On Mother's Day, which was three days ago now --
ANDY: Who's counting?
CONAN: On Mother's Day, Eminem released a music video for a song, which is a public apology to his mother.
Isn't that nice?
No word yet on whether or not Eminem's mother enjoyed the song.
Sorry I didn't call bitch.
That was the tune.
It's an acoustic ballad.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's keep going here for a minute, collect myself, let that laugh die down.