1. CONAN Monologue 05/21/13

CONAN Monologue 05/21/13

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Rush Limbaugh, Tumblr, Barack Obama, and more...

Transcript:

A lot of people are criticizing president Obama lately.
Michelle Obama.
She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures.
She was immediately hired by fox news.
You're going to do 3:00 to 6:00.
According to a new survey that just came out white Americans are more likely to see president Obama as angry than black Americans.
After hearing about it, Obama got really angry according to white Americans.
[APPLAUSE]
Rush Limbaugh said the only reason president Obama will not be impeached is that he's black.
That's what rush said.
When asked for comments, black people said, it's true.
We've had it too good for too long.
[APPLAUSE]
Ridiculous.
A college student in Georgia, get this, was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English so he tried fake his own kidnapping.
The parents figured it out when the Ransom note said "we has your son."
[APPLAUSE]
This is nice.
A man gave a waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy.
Isn't that nice?
Yeah.
It was an olive garden waitress who screamed to one day try Italian food.
[APPLAUSE]
These movements mean nothing.
[Laughter]
The C.E.O. of Yahoo! who just bought tumbler for $1.1 billion said she will not -- not remove porn from the site.
That's right.
When asked why she said because I don't want to lose $1.1 billion.
[APPLAUSE]
That's me every night.
Wife walks in.
[Laughter]
Oh, like you don't know what I'm talking about.
ANDY: My wife never walks in.
[Laughter]
CONAN: I don't know what that means but I really like it.