CONAN Monologue 06/15/17

June 16, 2017

Conan jokes about Trump’s Father’s Day, tweets, and ties.

TranscriptFATHER'S DAY COMING UP. [CHEERING] >> GOT ANY -- YOU READY? YOU GUYS ALL GOT YOUR POP SOMETHING? GOT YOUR DAD SOMETHING, HUH? ALL RIGHT. OKAY. THAT WAS ABOUT -- HA HA! THIS AUDIENCE TAKES 200 PEOPLE. THAT WAS ABOUT THREE PEOPLE. >> YEAH, YEAH. >> MOTHER'S DAY, EVERYBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO. THEY WOULD GIVE HER LIKE A CAR. FATHER'S DAY, HARDLY ANYTHING. NO ONE RECOGNIZES IT. >> LISTEN, I'M A FATHER AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE I LOVE THAN BEING LEFT ALONE. >> YEAH. OKAY. >> HA HA! [CHEERING] >> I THINK WE CAN ALL -- IT'S A GOOD SENTIMENT. >> GIVE DAD WHAT HE REALLY WANTS. LEAVE HIM THE HELL ALONE. LET HIM DRINK QUIETLY IN THE BASEMENT. NO. SUNDAY IS FATHER'S DAY. AND THE TRUMP KIDS ARE PLANNING TO GIVE THEIR FATHER A TIE. IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE THAT TRUMP HAS A TIE THAT'S NOT LINKED TO RUSSIA. [LAUGHTER] >> THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. I APOLOGIZE. NO. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF. PRESIDENT TRUMP IS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. YEAH. THAT WAS CONFIRMED TODAY, WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE IS NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S REALLY HAPPENING. HE DENIED IT. [APPLAUSE] >> SPECIAL PROSECUTOR, ROBERT MUELLER, IS ON THE CASE. HE'S THE ONE THAT'S LOOKING INTO IT. EXPERT SAY IF PRESIDENT TRUMP WERE TO FIRE SPECIAL PROSECUTOR ROBERT MUELLER, ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE. AS FAR AS YEAH. OR, AS TRUMP CALLS THAT, THURSDAY. THAT'S JUST A NORMAL DAY FOR HIM. HE DOESN'T... [APPLAUSE] >> THIS IS A CRAZY STORY. DID YOU HEAR WHAT VLADIMIR PUTIN DID? >> I'M GOING TO IN A MINUTE, I BET. >> NO, YOU'RE NOT. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! >> OH! >> VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS OFFERED ASYLUM TO FORMER F.B.I. DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY. YEAH. YEAH. ASYLUM. YEAH. >> YEAH. >> WHEN SHE HEARD, MELANIA TRUMP SAID, HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME? [APPLAUSE] >> HERE'S A WEIRD STORY. A UNITED AIRLINES EMPLOYEE IS UNDER FIRE FOR PUSHING OVER A 71-YEAR-OLD PASSENGER. YES! OR, AS THE C.E.O. OF UNITED PUT IT, WE'RE BACK, BABY! [LAUGHTER] >> YEAH! HA HA! WE WON'T DRAG ANYMORE. YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SHOVING!