1. CONAN Monologue 06/24/13

CONAN Monologue 06/24/13

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Paula Deen, Edward Snowden, Twinkies, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Man, this Paula Deen thing, we have it talk about this.
You heard Paula Deen was fired for making I guess allegedly racist remarks.
Yeah.
And now I guess she is trying to, she is trying to clear her name.
ANDY: She is still out talking about it.
CONAN: She is still talking, yeah.
Still talking.
This week, the latest, Paula Deen is expected to appear on the "Today" show, yeah.
Yeah, Deen says she chose the "Today Show" because they mostly keep that Roker guy outside.
True story.
[Applause]
[Laughter]
CONAN: That's true.
I'm just -- I'm just telling you what happened.
ANDY: He is just reporting the news.
CONAN: I'm not making anything up.
A lot of people upset, though, over the weekend, fans, big fans of Paula Deen stage aid protest against her firing, yes.
Deen's fans were so upset they held a hunger strike for eight seconds.
[Laughter]
CONAN: They took out their emergency butter.
[Laughter]
CONAN: It's been eight seconds!
[Laughter]
CONAN: Paula Deen is also, it's just charges are coming out of the woodwork.
Paula Deen is accused of paying some of her employees in beer.
Yes.
[Cheers and Applause]
 CONAN: After hearing this, Andy Richter asked, is she hiring?
[Laughter]
ANDY: You can't really tax beer.
[Laughter]
CONAN: This guy Edward snow den, a global hunt for this guy.
They don't know where he is.
He might be in the audience right now.
Yeah, no one knows exactly where N.S.A. whistle blower Edward snow den is hiding at the moment.
He released a statement says no one will find me unless some big mouth jerk starts blabbing like an a-hole.
You see, he spoke out, the irony there.
ANDY: Yeah.
He is mad that someone spoke when that's what people are mad at him for.
CONAN: That was less of a ha-ha and more of an ah.
I heard no sound after that joke.
[Laughter]
CONAN: I would have taken a ah.
Instead I got this.
[Laughter]
ANDY: Look at his hair.
That was a family reunion around our place, what you just did there.
CONAN: Is that the Richter family reunion?
You look like an ape at the zoo.
[Laughter]
ANDY: When is the take?
Championship former Italian prime minister was convicted of having sex with an underaged prostitute to seven years in prison.
The good news is by the time he gets out, that prostitute will be legal.
It all times out.
[Laughter]
CONAN: Now we like Conan again because of the prostitute joke.
[Laughter]
CONAN: Hey, I got good news.
This will cheer you up, gang.
Hostess announced that Twinkies will be back on store shelves in July!
[Cheers and Applause]
CONAN: Yeah!
That's right!
They reassured fans that it will be the same recipe from last year, but it will also be the same Twinkies.
It doesn't matter.
Kate middleton recently announced that she plans to have a natural child birth, yeah, natural child birth.
She means no drugs, just surrounded by the queen's guards in a golden palace.
Just like women were meant.
Weird story, a United airlines plane took off for a 10-hour flight without toilet paper onboard, yeah, on the bright side, people finally found a use for the sky mall catalogs.
Yeah.
[Cheers and Applause]
CONAN: I won't act that out.
Even I have my limits.