1. CONAN Monologue 07/08/13

CONAN Monologue 07/08/13

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Paula Deen, Eliot Spitzer, Taco Bell, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: I HAD A GREAT TIME AND I THOUGHT WE SHOULD START THE SHOW WITH GOOD NEWS.
ISN'T ABOUT TIME YOU HAD GOOD NEWS?
A NEW REPORT JUST CAME OUT AND REVEALS THAT MEXICO HAS REPLACED THE UNITED STATES AS THE WORLD'S FATTEST NATION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
IN FACT, NOW MEXICANS ARE TRYING TO CROSS THE BORDER JUST TO ASK "ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT?"
ANDY: WE DID IT!
U.S.A., U.S.A.
CONAN:WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GO WITH THAT.
U.S.A., U.S.A.
ANDY: I THINK THEY WERE EXPECTING A VIVA MEXICO CHANT.
CONAN: ROOT FOR THEM?
IT WAS REPORTED ON FRIDAY THAT PAULA DEEN FIRED HER PUBLICIST.
YEAH.
HER PUBLICIST IS CALLING IT BLACK FRIDAY AND I CAN'T REPEAT WHAT PAULA DEEN IS CALLING IT.
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S MY PAULA DEEN RIGHT THERE.
DEEP FRIED HAM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS STILL LIKE THREE YEARS AWAY.
THEY'RE ALREADY STARTING.
THEY'RE ALREADY STARTING.
HERE'S THE LATEST, THE REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY TRYING TO PAINT HILLARY CLINTON AS TOO OLD TO BE PRESIDENT.
IN FACT, THE NEW AD CLAIMS SHE'S SO OLD, SHE COULD BE A REPUBLICAN.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE AD.
ANDY: NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CONAN: I'M BACK TO PAULA.
SHE DIDN'T FINISH THE FRIED HAM.
LAST WEEK, TO CELEBRATE THE 150TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG, HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DRESSED THEIR DOGS UP LIKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
YEAH, WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID, "THIS MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE."
[APPLAUSE]
NOW I CAN REST IN PEACE.
THE PEOPLE HAVE PUT A BEARD ON A DOG.
FORMER NEW YORK GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER, WHO YOU REMEMBER HIM, HE WAS CAUGHT FREQUENTING PROSTITUTES SEVERAL YEARS AGO, IS RUNNING FOR OFFICE AGAIN IN NEW YORK.
YEAH, HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN IS "SPITZER CREATING JOBS BY THE HOUR."
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S TRUE.
SUPREME COURT'S IN THE NEWS.
ANDY: OH, WOW!
CONAN: YOU'RE OF NO HELP TO ME TODAY.
I JUST WANT TO POINT THAT OUT.
JUDICIAL SCHOLARS ARE SAYING THAT THE CURRENT SUPREME COURT HAS REPEATEDLY COME DOWN ON THE SIDE OF BIG BUSINESS.
YEAH, WHEN ASKED ABOUT IT, CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS SAID, "I'M LOVING IT."
[LAUGHTER]
JUST LET IT GO.
OK, IT'S MONDAY, WE'RE JUST GETTING INTO IT.
BACKSTAGE, THE WRITERS WERE LIKE, REMEMBER, DO THAT AND THEN GO, BA-DA-BA-DA.
I'M LIKE, I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.
I WAS WRONG.
NEW STUDY JUST CAME OUT, FINDS THAT DRINKING THREE PINTS OF BEER A WEEK PERMANENTLY DULLS THE BRAIN.
YEAH.
SO NOW YOU KNOW, NEVER STOP AT JUST THREE.
NINE, YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR.
30 A DAY, YOU'RE AN EINSTEIN.
NOT THAT SIGN -- EINSTEIN, I'M THINKING OF ANOTHER GUY.
TERRIBLE ALCOHOLIC.
CHRIS EINSTEIN.
ANDY: BOY, WHAT HAPPENED.
CONAN: AT A TACO BELL IN MICHIGAN, THAT'S RIGHT -- I SAID THAT ANGRILY, BREAKING NEWS, THIS JUST IN, EVERYBODY.
AT A TACO BELL IN MICHIGAN, A CUSTOMER WAS HANDED A BAG THAT CONTAINED CASH INSTEAD OF HIS ORDER.
THERE WAS ALSO A NOTE INSIDE THAT SAID GET YOURSELF SOME REAL FOOD.
[APPLAUSE]