1. CONAN Monologue 10/17/2013

CONAN Monologue 10/17/2013

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about Lindsay Lohan, the government shutdown, Disney, and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: Andy Richter, how you doing?
You excited?
ANDY: Yeah.
CONAN: Our government has opened, ladies and gentlemen!
So I'm doing a Russian dance to celebrate?
That our country is working again.
In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation.
Yeah.
He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.
That's the way to hook them in.
This will last six minutes, probably, right?
It we're going to go through this again what?
ANDY: January.
CONAN: That will be fun.
More jokes for us.
Look forward to it in the new year.
Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in ‘95.
1795.
He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.
After the shutdown debacle, the tea party's approval rating is 30%.
In other words, it's the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.
[APPLAUSE]
I waited it out and then I was like here it comes!
Hey, wait a minute, yeah!
ANDY: Huh?
CONAN: No.
That makes me do it more.
Because of my neediness.
Crazy scene, a lot of you probably saw footage of this.
Last night the house of representatives stenographer had an epic meltdown, yelling about the constitution, freemasons, and Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
So it sounds like the Republicans have their 2016 presidential candidate.
There you go.
Wish I knew what she said, but there was no one there to write it down.
[LAUGHTER]
Scientists have found a way to cure marijuana addiction.
Now all we have to do is find someone who wants to be cured of marijuana addiction.
[APPLAUSE]
Please help me!
Yes, help me.
This sense of well-being is driving me crazy!
This sense of inner calm is killing me!
Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them.
[APPLAUSE]
Very good.
Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler elves.
Like that cookie.
No need to spell it out.
In Paraguay a 99-year-old woman and a 103-year-old man got married after being together for 80 years.
That's sweet.
Asked the secret of keeping their passion alive, they said, "having no recollection of who the other person is." 
Lindsay Lohan got a new tattoo of a triangle.
Either that or she crashed into a freshly-painted "yield” sign.
Not sure.
Zing.
ANDY: That was a real zinger.
CONAN: It's been reported that 7-Eleven will begin selling a $50 wine.
Said it pairs very nicely with their 1962 hotdog.
Zing!
ANDY: Zing!
CONAN: Disney is in the news, Andy.
ANDY: Oh, good!
CONAN: Disney revealed that one of its princesses is bisexual.
And even more shocking, Disney revealed that one of its princes is straight.
That was the part that I --
[APPLAUSE]