1. CONAN Monologue 12/09/2013

CONAN Monologue 12/09/2013

Tags: Monologue
Conan jokes about World of Warcraft, Miley Cyrus, "Teen Mom," and more...

Transcript:

CONAN: I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ALL SO HAPPY.
ACTUALLY I SUSPECT I KNOW.
I'M SORRY, WE HAVE TO COME CLEAN ABOUT THIS.
SNOOP DOGG'S ON THE SHOW.
AND HE'S BEEN COMING ON DIFFERENT PROGRAMS OVER THE YEARS BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS WARNER BROTHERS STUDIO THAT'S TOO WELL VENTILATED WOULD YOU SAY.
ANDY: OR NOT WELL VENTILATED ENOUGH.
CONAN: ANYWAY.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLE AROMA OUT HERE RIGHT NOW OF CINNAMON.
I GUESS THEY'RE MAKING --
ANDY: IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, MULLED CIDER.
CONAN: AND EVERYONE'S DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY ABOUT THE MULLED CIDER MADE BACKSTAGE.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN WE'VE HAD A SHOW THIS GOOD.
LOOK, I'M ALREADY DOING IT.
ANDY: AND THEN HE WENT ON FOR 10 MINUTES ABOUT THE GOONDS -- GOODNESS OF THE SHOW.
CONAN: THE SHOW'S SO GOOD!
JUST DO SOMETHING?
THAT'S THE HAPPIEST I'VE SEEN JEFF.
FOR 20 YEARS, JEFF'S LIKE THIS.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
NOW HE'S LIKE THIS, HA-HA-HA.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL TALK ABOUT, THIS TEMPERATURE, MAN IS IT COLD, HUH?
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
FREEZING TEMPERATURES ACROSS THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S A COLD SNAP AND EVEN IN HOLLYWOOD TEMPERATURES ARE IN THE 50'S.
YEAH.
OF COURSE, SINCE IT'S HOLLYWOOD, THE WEATHER IS TELLING EVERYONE IT'S ONLY IN ITS MID 30'S.
SEE.
LOOK AT THAT.
THANK YOU.
JOKE'S ONLY ABOUT THAT GOOD AND EVERYONE'S HAPPY.
WHAT ELSE?
TECH COMPANIES UPSET ABOUT GOVERNMENT SPYING.
TECHNOLOGY COMPANIES LIKE GOOGLE, TWITTER AND A.O.L. ARE ASKING THE GOVERNMENT TO LIMIT ITS SURVEILLANCE.
ACTUALLY, GOOGLE AND TWITTER ARE MAD.
A.O.L.'S JUST HAPPY THAT SOMEBODY IS LOOKING AT THEM.
THRILLED.
SPEAKING OF GOVERNMENT SPYING, A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT N.S.A. POSED AS GAMERS IN "WORLD OF WAR CRAFT" TO MONITOR TERRORISTS.
N.S.A., YEAH, ON "WORLD OF WAR CRAFT."
APPARENTLY THE "WORLD OF WAR CRAFT" COMMUNITY IS HEAVEN FOR TERRORISTS BECAUSE IT'S FULL OF VIRGINS.
NORTH KOREA IN THE NEWS.
NORTH KOREA HAS CONFIRMED THAT KIM JONG UN HAS FIRED HIS UNCLE.
UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS IN NORTH KOREA INCLUDE TWO WEEKS' SEVERANCE AND NOT BEING SHOT.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
EVEN IN AN ALTERED STATE, THAT ONE SUCKS.
IT GETS BETTER.
THERE'S A NEW TOILET.
[LAUGHTER]
ANDY:YEAH!
THAT IS BETTER!
CONAN: I KNEW I'D GET YOU BACK.
THERE'S A NEW TOILET.
ANDY: YES?
CONAN: SHUT UP.
ANDY: DID SOMEONE SAY TOILET?
CONAN: THERE'S A NEW TOILET THAT CAN CHECK YOUR HEALTH AND EVEN TELL YOU IF YOU'RE PREGNANT.
IT'S TRUE.
THERE'S ALSO A DELUXE VERSION THAT CAN GET YOU PREGNANT.
YEAH.
THAT'S SOME TOILET.
KEEP MOVING, ANDY, IT WORKS.
HEY, PARIS HILTON'S BROTHER -- FOLLOW ME ON THIS ONE -- PARIS HILTON'S BROTHER CLAIMS THAT LINDSAY LOHAN HAD SOMEONE BEAT HIM UP.
LOHAN SAID, THAT'S RIDICULOUS, IF I WANTED TO HURT SOMEONE, I'D USE MY CAR.
TRUE STORY.
LATEST RUMOR IS THAT ONE OF THE OLSEN TWINS IS GETTING MARRIED.
WHEN ASKED WHICH ONE, HER FIANCEE SAID, WHO CARES.
AND I GOT TO MENTION THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MTV HAS CANCELED "TEEN MOM."
YEAH.
SO AT LEAST MTV KNOWS WHEN TO PULL OUT.
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]