1. Conan Becomes A Texas Deputy, Part II

Conan Becomes A Texas Deputy, Part II

The continuing adventures of Deputy Conan, the very worst lawman that Johnson County, Texas has ever seen.

Related: Watch Part I now

Transcript:

Conan: You know, Damien, my partners 
don't seem to last too long.
I play it fast and loose. 
Check it out?
Damien: Yep. 
Conan: We're going to write 
these guys up or let them go?
Damien: Let them go, kind of help them with their furniture.
Conan: You don't think we need 
to shoot anybody?
Damien: No.
Conan: Sheriff, these mattress 
tags seem to be in order.
None appear to be removed.
Hello, ma'am. Good to see you.
Everything okay here?
Sandy: Everything's fine 
Conan: Anybody around here 
giving you trouble?
Sandy: No.  
Conan: You haven't seen anybody 
gone missing 
Sandy: Actually they took some 
blades from me little box 
cutters.
Conan: This is important.
Did you file a report?
Sandy: Negative.
It wasn't worth it 
Conan: When small blades go 
missing it usually means 
something's up.
Something is happening here. 
I smell trouble. 
Sandy: Maybe you ought to check -- I 
don't know to see if David's 
okay. They had some old product 
in there like old candy bars 
Conan: Past the expiration 
point?
Sandy: This was a couple of months 
ago.
Conan: Why didn't you report 
this? 
What's your name?
Sandy: Sandy.
What's's your name? 
Conan: Conan. 
Sandy: Like the barbarian? 
It was a movie, Arnold 
Schwarzenegger.
You better watch some TV 
Conan: I hate TV and I hate the 
people on it.
I better go.
God bless 
Sandy: Have a good one.
You too.
Conan: Did you find any 
chocolate bars in there? 
Oh, yeah.
They're open.
You can come on in.
It's open.
Why don't people just leave when 
they see me? 
They see us and they leave.
What does that tell you? 
Guilty.
Is this your store here sir? 
Brian: It is 
Conan: Your consignment shop 
Brian: It is 
Conan: Did see any 
suspicious activity? 
Brian: Other than you seeming to run 
everybody out of Davis, no.
Conan: Did you know candy bars 
have expired and box cutter 
blades are missing.
I think there's something going 
on here. 
I've been a law man for over 48 
minutes and something's not 
right. 
Damien: Who's the guy next door?
Brian: His name is Sam.
Conan: Did you notice Sam is 
using new box cutter blades 
recently or expired candy?
Brian: Not that I know of. 
Conan: This thing is starting to 
come together.
My partner and I took a trip to 
Alvarado today and a lot doesn't 
add up.
First of all, we went to the Alvarado
County store.
We talked to woman there, a very 
suspicious woman with a superman 
tattoo on her hand. And batman tattoo.
She said that box cutter blades 
had gone missing.
Is that correct?  
Damien: Yes.  
Conan: We then proceeded on her 
information over to David's 
market where we found out if 
there was expired chocolate, 
that led us across the street to 
a consignment shop, led by a guy 
with a beard. 
Damien: Brian.
Conan: Brian.
The b means beard.
Who is this Brian guy?
Damien: What about Sam?
Conan: What about Sam? 
I see a triangle is what I see.
What's the center of that 
triangle in that town square? 
A gazebo.
I think if you dig up that 
gazebo you'll find $600,000 of 
cocaine.
No? 
You don't think so?
Bob: I don't think so.
Conan: Sam and Brian are in on 
it together.
If I were you I'd arrest Sam and 
shoot Brian.
Preferably in the back.
I'm leaving you guys this and 
you're welcome.
It's pretty much ready to crack.
I'm going to my to L.A. and get 
a spa treatment that will 
include a facial.
I'm going to drive to the 
airport and fire my gun randomly 
out the window.
Good day to you.
[Applause]