Turns out Conan needs to communicate his needs better, like asking his wife to wear the Kaiser helmet.
CONAN: Happy Valentine's Day.
I believe you've been married for quite a while now.
DR. PHIL: I have.
I'm coming up on 37 years.
CONAN: 37 years.
[Cheers and applause]
Good for you.
DR. PHIL: I've got a buddy who has been married 37 years.
He goes, that's about long enough?
CONAN: Wife -- wives love that kind of joke.
CONAN: I always joke with my wife, well, we've been married for 14 years.
I think we have two.
DR. PHIL: How good are you?
CONAN: I think I'm good.
DR. PHIL: You were making fun of him saying he lost the sizzle.
Have you -- lost the sizzle.
Have you lost it?
CONAN: Look at this.
DR. PHIL: Do you have it going on?
CONAN: What are you talking about specifically?
DR. PHIL: I'm talking about sex.
CONAN: Oh, no, that's over.
DR. PHIL: I wanted to test you.
CONAN: What's going on here?
DR. PHIL: I actually brought a sex quiz to find out -- it's Valentine's day.
I want to know.
It bothers me that the mascot for Valentine's day is a winged baby with a weapon.
It bothers me.
CONAN: It's a very asexual symbol.
DR. PHIL: I think your staff wanted me to ask you these things.
CONAN: They didn't give me a heads up.
Funny day to lose a job, Valentine's day.
DR. PHIL: Here's the first question.
Did you ask for what you want?
CONAN: Is this sexually?
DR. PHIL: This is about sex.
Do you ask for what you want?
CONAN: I'm not good -- let's face it, folks.
I'm probably a little introverted.
I probably won't say put on a Kaiser helmet.
DR. PHIL: Have you ever fake an orgasm?
CONAN: No, guys can't fake an orgasm.
DR. PHIL: Why are you swirming?
CONAN: Because it feels like a trick question.
DR. PHIL: Have you ever had sex --
CONAN: This is very personal.
DR. PHIL: Have you ever had sex with your program in the background?
CONAN: That's the only time I have sex.
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, I'm not done with my bit.
DR. PHIL: Who was your favorite guest this -- guest?
CONAN: Why you, Dr. Phil.
DR. PHIL: So you like me --
CONAN: Tonight, I'm going to rush home and then while my lady and I are together, I'll be watching you and I speak to each other and it's going to be creepy.
And I have to bring a fake mustache.
DR. PHIL: Yeah, it's already creepy.
CONAN: I think I'm doing very well, by the way.
DR. PHIL: You're not doing very well.
DR. PHIL: So you don't ask for what you want?
CONAN: I'm getting better than that.
The old Conan -- I wasn't very assertive that way.
But I think I became much more so.
DR. PHIL: Well, based on your responses.
You should go home and make a list of what you want.
Have her make a list of what she won't do.
CONAN: There will be no intersection.
It will be the list of what I want.
There will be the list of what she won't do.
DR. PHIL: Number one on her list will be never discuss her list.
CONAN: You think women really want to know what guys want?
DR. PHIL: Oh, hell no.
They want you to know what they want so you can be a good lover.
Now, let's turn the tables.
DR. PHIL: Listen, I've got to run.