Jason Bateman's Dream Talk Show Host Job

November 21, 2014

Jason would love to host his own talk show, but isn't sure he could stomach all that chatting with boring celebs.

TranscriptCONAN: YOU TOLD ME ONCE THAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER -- NOT MANY PEOPLE HAVE SAID THIS -- YOU WOULD CONSIDER HOSTING A TALK SHOW. JASON BATEMAN: I WOULD LOVE THAT. CONAN: I THINK YOU'D BE QUITE GOOD AT IT. YOU'RE VERY FUNNY. YOU'RE VERY VERBAL. YOU'RE QUICK. JASON BATEMAN: I APPRECIATE THAT, CONAN. I WOULD BE NO CONAN, I KNOW THAT. YOU'RE VERY, YOU KNOW -- YOU GET SOME TWITS COMING THROUGH A TALK SHOW PANEL AND YOU'RE ALWAYS SO -- IS HE NOT ALWAYS DECENT TO PEOPLE, NEVER MAKES THEM FEEL BAD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ANDY: HE'S THAT WAY ON CAMERA. [LAUGHTER] CONAN: YOU'LL PAY, RICHTER. GO AHEAD. JASON BATEMAN: THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT. I DON'T THINK I WOULD BE AS DECENT TO SOMEONE WHO IS JUST GOING ON ABOUT THE MOST INANE GARBAGE. I'D HAVE TO OUT THEM. I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PRETEND THAT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND FEELING AND WHAT I'M THINKING AND FEELING IS NOT GOING ON. I WOULD WANT TO HIT AN EJECTOR BUTTON THE LIKE IF THIS THING HAD SPRINGS, IT WOULD BE EXCITING. CONAN: YOU COULD PUSH A BUTTON AND THE SELF INVOLVED GUEST IS SHOCKED THROUGH THE AIR INTO THE CEILING AND KILLED. JASON BATEMAN: NO ONE NEEDS TO BE KILLED. CONAN: I THINK IT'S A BETTER SHOW IF THEY'RE KILLED. ANDY: THEY GO EIGHT FEET UP AND THEY DROP AND THEY'RE HURT. CONAN: AND THEN WE BRING OUT THE NEXT GUEST AND THEY'RE WRITHING IN PAIN. ANDY: KEEP IT DOWN! JASON BATEMAN: THEY CAN GO THROUGH A SPIKE PAD AND THE SECOND GUEST, YOU GET A DROP OF BLOOD EVERY FEW SECONDS. BUT WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU GUYS HAD A LITTLE PANEL OUT THERE AND THE AGGREGATE SCORE WOULD DICTATE, ALONG WITH THE HOST -- THE HOST HAS A MAJORITY OF THE VOTING POWER. CONAN: THANK YOU. JASON BATEMAN: YOU'D BE ABLE TO SEE -- THE GUESTS WOULD NOT SEE, BUT THERE'S A GAUGE BEHIND THEM AND YOU GET TOWARDS DANGER, IF YOU SUCK, YOU GET THE SHOCK. CONAN: IT'S LIKE AN ADULT SWIM KIND OF THING. I THINK SOMEONE'S DEVELOPING IT NOW. JASON BATEMAN: WE NEED TO THINK BIGGER. LET'S DO THIS. CONAN: LET'S DO THIS. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? LET'S SAY YOU WERE IN MY POSITION AND YOU WERE TALKING TO SOMEONE AND THEY WERE JUST DRONING ON ABOUT -- THE DIRECTOR REALLY PUSHED ME AND I THINK IT'S MY BEST WORK. JASON BATEMAN: I LOVE WHEN THEY SAY "MY DIRECTOR" AND "MY CAST." IT'S NOT YOURS. ANDY: WE WERE LIKE A FAMILY. JASON BATEMAN: AYE YIGH YIGH. ANDY: YOU WERE PEOPLE THAT SPENT TIME TOGETHER AND THEN YOU DON'T. CONAN: SETTLE DOWN, RICHTER. ANDY: I'M SORRY! CONAN: YOU HAVE A GREAT DEAD PAN. YOUR EYES CAN JUST LOSE -- THEY GO DEAD LIKE A SHARK'S EYES. JASON BATEMAN: THIS IS PREBUTTON. CONAN: BEFORE THE BUTTON, I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT THEY TOOK A SHOT OF YOUR FACE. JASON BATEMAN: THE BOILING POINT. CONAN: AND I'M THE GUEST AND I'M GOING ON AND ON ABOUT -- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INDISCERNIBLE] LA LA LA. JASON BATEMAN: I'D COME ACROSS AND PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. CONAN: THAT WAS FANTASTIC. THAT LOOK WOULD MAKE THE SHOW. AND THEN YOU'D SEE SOON AFTER THAT THEY'D BE SHOT UP INTO THE CEILING. JASON BATEMAN: INTO THE SPIKE PAD AND CUE THE BLOOD RAIN. CONAN: EXACTLY.

Jason Bateman

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