Jimmy Pardo’s Tale Of The Lollipop Creep

March 02, 2017

Jimmy weaves a yarn about a dicey department store customer with a penchant for lollipops and sexual innuendo.

TranscriptCONAN: YOU SHARE YOUR EVERYDAY INTERACTIONS. YOU FIND HUMOR IN THINGS THAT HAPPEN YOU TO WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND. ANY GOOD ONES LATELY? JIMMY: THANK YOU, SIR. I WAS AT MACY'S DEPARTMENT STORE, YOU FAMILIAR? CONAN: YES. JIMMY: TO SHOP. CONAN: SURE, I DO, I GO OUT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE. I HAVE A BUTLER THAT CARRIES ME FROM STORE TO STORE. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I SHOP, I GO PLACES. ANDY: A WHEELBARROW. CONAN: I GO TO FOREVER 21 TO BUY JEANS. I'M A REGULAR GUY. JIMMY: SURE, SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE. YOUR LITTLE GIRAFFE HEAD POPPING OVER. CONAN: ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER WHOSE SHOW YOU'RE ON, PAL. I'M NOT AN EXOTIC BEAST. I KNOW MACY'S. JIMMY: YOU WANT TO TALK 100% TRUE, THIS ONE IS NOT. THIS IS ABOUT 97% TRUE, I'M BUMPING SOME UP FOR HUMOR. I'M AT THE MACY'S, IN THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT AND I FOUND SOME PANTS THAT FIT ME. I GOT A 29 BY 28 BODY, THAT'S NOT A LEG FOR A MAN. CONAN: IT'S LIKE PANTS FOR A G.I. JOE. [LAUGHTER] JIMMY: YOU HAPPY? YOU GOT YOUR CLAPS? CONAN: YEAH. EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, IT FELT PRETTY GOOD TO GET JUST A LITTLE MORE. YOU GOT GOOD PANTS, YOU'LL GET OVER IT. SHAKE IT OFF. JIMMY: SO -- I'M TRYING -- I FOUND SOME PANTS, I'M WALKING TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND A GUY WANDERING AROUND LOOKS DICEY AND HE'S GOT A TOMMY BAHAMA SHIRT ON, A STACK OF NINE MORE TOMMY BAHAMA SHIRTS, HE'S GOING ON A JIMMY BUFFETT CRUISE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING AND I DON'T LIKE HIM AND HE'S GOT A LOLLIPOP AND SUCKING ON THIS LOLLIPOP IN A WAY I'VE NEVER ENJOYED A LOLLIPOP IN MY LIFE AND HE'S SUCKING ON THIS THING. CONAN: HE'S WORKING IT TOO HARD. JIMMY: IT'S CLANKING AGAINST HIS TEETH. YOU KNOW HE'S GOT THIS LOLLIPOP SO I'M WALKING TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND HE'S GOING TO CHECK OUT WITH HIS NINE SHIRTS AND HE'S WORKING THIS LOLLIPOP HARD AND THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER SAYS, BOY, YOU'RE SURE ENJOYING THAT LOLLIPOP AND HE GOES, YEAH, IT'S BANANA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TASTE MY BANANA? TO WHICH, I, OF COURSE, STOPPED, THE PANTS COULD WAIT. I'M GOING TO SEE WHAT'S GOING DOWN HERE. SHE SAYS, WHAT? AND HE GOES, NOTHING. DROPS THE SHIRTS AND RUNS LIKE HELL. CONAN: YOU'RE KIDDING! THAT'S FANTASTIC. WHAT'S YOUR THEORY? JIMMY: I HAVE A THEORY. THANK YOU FOR ASKING. HE EITHER -- EITHER THIS WORKS AND HE ENDS UP BANGING HER IN THE DRESSING ROOM OR I WITNESS THIS WOMAN THWART THE LOLLIPOP KILLER. THAT'S MY GUEST -- BEST GUESS.

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