1. Marlon Wayans Wants Ronda Rousey To Dominate Him

Marlon Wayans Wants Ronda Rousey To Dominate Him

Marlon's got a serious crush on the lady UFC fighter; he likes a woman who can "professionally" kick his behind.

Transcript:

Conan: We were talking about your family, your brothers, you like to mess with each other.
What's the meanest prank your brothers played on you?
Marlon: Oh, wow, there's so many.
In most families, I would be the baby.
In my family I'm the victim because there's 20-something comedians.
The meanest thing they ever did.
The Emmys.
Conan: the awards show?
Marlon: Yes.
One year we were going to the Emmys, we were going to present together Me, Shawn, Keenan, Damon. They bought these $2,500 suits.
I was like, I need money, I'm not spending $2,500 on suit, I need the rent.
I'd rather spend that money on a car, or like, weed or something.
I could fill my fridge like the Dr. Dre video with 40 ounces.
My brothers was like, stop being cheap.
I was like, fine how about this.
How about I rent a tux and you guys wear the expensive stuff, I'll have this small tux.
I wrote a whole sketch.
They came to get us.
My brother Shawn looked at me, I said, this is going to be funny, right?
He goes, yeah.
And then he gave me the kiss of death right on my lips he said, I love you, Marlon.
An we went out, they went out and they go, hey.
And they called me out, and now, the wayans brothers.
They go, where's Marlon?
I come running out, my shoes on two left feet, big socks, I look like urkel on crack, I was like, hey, guys.
My brother said, and the nominees are --
[Laughter]
Conan: no sketch, no nothing.
Marlon: I never sweat so hard in my life.
I was like, instant sweat.
You've got to be kidding me.
And they just start cracking up on the stage and they just start saying the nominees and I was like, oh, snap.
I think I cursed, I was so messed up.
They were mad at me.
But then -- I forgave them but here's the thing.
I'm going to pay their ass back.
Conan: how are you going to do that?
Marlon: I'm the youngest.
They're going to go first.
I'm burying them in the Emmy suit.
They are all going to be in that casket with extremities all out, I'm going to take pictures with that and go, and the nominees are.
Conan: you tweeted something, you tweeted about U.F.C. fighter Rhonda Rousey, off sort of fixation with her, you wanted to smell her training gloves and feet wraps.
Did you tweet that?
Marlon: Yeah.
But here's why.
Conan: you either did or you didn't.
You're acting like, where are you getting this?
And then it went to, yeah.
Marlon: Here's the thing.
I say that in a good way.
I know there's pheromones in those tapes and feet perhaps.
Conan: we have a picture of her.
Marlon: There's something about a woman that can kick your behind, that's sexy.
I want laila Ali to punch me in the face.
Conan: you want to be beaten by a woman.
Marlon: Professionally, though.
Professionally.
So listen, I want to wrestle around with her.
I want her to -- I've got a fantasy.
I want to wrestle around with her and she tap out in like three minutes, I want her to grab my penis and just grab it and pull.
Until I tap out.
Conan: you won't have to tap out, she'll know when you're done.
Pretty obvious.
You broke our show.
We had a semi-legitimate show until you came by.
Marlon: You started it.
Conan: I did not.
Marlon: You asked me the question.
Conan: I don't know, I don't remember.
Marlon: Keenan, what advice do you have for me now?
Conan: Pay Conan to kick his own ass.