1. The Panda Cam's Gone, But The Masturbating Bear Cam's On

The Panda Cam's Gone, But The Masturbating Bear Cam's On

The live panda cam might be the victim of a federal furlough, but our Masturbating Bear doesn't know the meaning of "stop."

Transcript:

CONAN: One of the fist casualties of the government shutdown, and we have been talking about the shutdown quite a bit, but it's a big deal, was the live panda cam at the national zoo in Washington.
Yes, one of the most popular features they have at the zoo, people nationwide could watch the pandas all the time on the live panda cam and it went offline yesterday morning because of the government shutdown.
Don't you worry, America, we're going to fill the gap.
We pulled an old friend out of retirement to help this nation in its most of need.
Starting tonight we're launching our very own live masturbating bear webcam!
[Cheers and Applause]
it's all going to be fine!
That's just as good!
Let's check in on our pal and see what he's been up to!
OK, buddy, break time.
[horn]
and back to it!
[horn]
[Applause]
CONAN: That's going to help America, don't you think?
ANDY: Absolutely.
CONAN: This country is still number one in my book, yeah.
What's that?
Sleeping?
I just got word that the masturbating bear is falling asleep.
Let's check in on the webcam again.
Ah!
[Applause]
[Laughter]
I didn't do anything!
[Laughter]