1. Pete Holmes Interview Pt. 2 02/27/14

Pete Holmes Interview Pt. 2 02/27/14

Pete explains the calculus of how long any "straight" person can last on a desert island before going gay for Ryan Gosling.


CONAN: I know you are taping the shows now.
Now when I do -- still doing standup?
PETE: Now when I do standup it's a little bit too dirty for the monologue.
I've turned into a bluer comedian, now, than I'm comfortable with. I offend myself all the time. But I'm working on a bit right now where I think we need new labels.
Gay and straight is too simple. We need a new system for sexuality.
For example, I'm straight but I'm 63 days straight.
CONAN: What do you mean, 63 days?
PETE: I mean something goes down, Conan -- I mean if I'm on like a plane ride and, you know, Ryan Gossling, daddy gos.
He's in first class and back I'm in coach, we crash and we're the only survivors, and we're living on a beautiful tropical island, picturing it perfectly, it's just gorgeous.
You know, I'm straight for 63 days.
Don't be a child, you're going to!
How long before you.
That's how it works.
CONAN: What happens on the 63rd day?
PETE: You know, by that point we're brown is berries.
He's made a football out of vines.
He's very resourceful. We're laughing, getting to know each other, swimming.
And on the 62nd night we sleep together for warmth.
Morning of the 63rd day, nature takes its course.
That's what it is.
CONAN: Do you do this bit anywhere -- have you been anywhere where you were worried about it going over?
PETE: Completely.
I did that joke in Texas, OK?
I was so nervous.
I got to do 63 days.
Right in the front row is a cliche Texas cowboy.
The 10-gallon hat and the brawny red shirt tucked into the jeans and the boots.
He's not really laughing the I'm worried.
JOHN: You have gotten bluer, for sure.
CONAN: I like that you clean it up for us, for television but when you mentally go back to the club we got to hear exactly what's going on.
PETE: Giving him the business?
So I'm watching this guy and I finish the bit -- talking about the football and all the stuff you just heard.
The bit ends.
Three or four minutes of a standing ovation. People are into it.
This guy is not into it.
He goes, hey.
I'm like oh, no.
Oh, just no, don't scar this for me, don't ruin this for me.
And he goes, 28 days.
PETE: Where are you, Conan?
CONAN: What's that?
PETE: You look like a Clooney fella. 
CONAN: No, I'm more of a Brad Pitt guy.
About an hour.
PETE: Light turbulence on the plane.
CONAN: Yeah, like flight club.
Light turbulence on the plane.
My wife knows it.
She's cool.