1. The Post Office Ruined This Stalker's Day

The Post Office Ruined This Stalker's Day

On the bright side, since there's no mail on Saturday now, countless female celebrities are quite relieved.

Transcript:

CONAN: Shocking news involving the U.S. postal service.
Earlier today, the postal service announced for the first time in history they're going to stop delivering some types of mail on Saturdays.
Yeah.
They say this is going to save them over $2 billion.
>> Hey, O'Brien!
CONAN: Yes, I'm sorry.
Do you have a question?
>> What if you're a stalker who sends a creepy postcard to Glenn Close every day?
A postcard with a photo of your back with the name "Glenn Close" shaved into it, will they still deliver that on a Saturday?
[laughter]
CONAN: I'm sorry, sir.
They will not deliver postcards, no.
>> All right.
What if you're a stalker who sends a creepy letter to Julie an margolies every day where I would describe to her what I would do to her if we found ourself in a cabin, a futon, three jars of whipped cream and a jar of nutella, will they still deliver that?
CONAN: Not on a Saturday.
>> What if you're a stalker who sends a catalogue to Annette Benning every day and Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue where I paste my head on top of all those studly young bodies with the rock hard abs and functioning genitalia?
CONAN: No, no catalogs.
They won't send catalogs, no.
>> All right.
What if you're a stalker who sends a package full of vibrators to Diane Sawyer every day?
Vibrators that turn red, white and blue and play the star spangled banner when you turn them on, will they still deliver that?
CONAN: Yes, in fact, they will deliver packages, yes.
[cheers and applause]
>> It's in the mail!
CONAN: Did you see that?
I just saw --
[laughter]
that was not supposed to happen.
I can't believe the one show where I mention that at the top of the program, as a joke, and we get that on television.
Again.
[cheers and applause]
unbelievable.
ANDY: He probably works as a plumber.
CONAN: I know.