1. Sammy Obeid Stand-Up 09/18/13

Sammy Obeid Stand-Up 09/18/13

Sammy is very supportive of gay rights; he threw his closeted friend a surprise coming out party.

Transcript:

Sammy: Thank you.
All right.
You guys good?
[Cheers and applause]
Sammy: So I'm Sammy, a little bit about me.
I'm mixed.
My dad's a man, my woman's a Woman, so half man, half woman.
You hate the stereotypes.
I hate asking for directions, but I get lost all the time.
I'm half Lebanese-American.
Thank you.
Ladies, yeah.
You know what they say about Lebanese guys.
Uh.
Nothing.
OK, all right.
[Laughter]
And then I'm half Palestinian, so I'm in the news all the time.
Kind of famous.
[Laughter]
Crazy, 'cause I'm Palestinian and my roommate is Jewish.
So we're always fighting over where his room starts and mine ends.
[Laughter]
He pays more rent, but I've been there longer.
[Laughter]
We look the same.
But I'm not really religious.
I don't believe in heaven and hell, because hot air rises, so it should be the other way around.
I believe God is a woman.
So I don't say amen, I say, that's what she said.
[Laughter]
An open-minded guy.
I'm from San Francisco.
I'm a big supporter of gay rights.
Just threw my friend, Tyler, a coming-out party.
It was a surprise party.
[Laughter]
Someone had to tell him, you know?
Surprise!
You're gay, bro.
We knew it!
[Laughter]
We popped out of a closet to be ironic.
[Laughter]
But they recently discovered the gay gene.
Wranglers, extra small.
These are all jokes, guys, come on, come on.
[Applause]
I'm not really a man's man myself, though.
It's embarrassing.
Like last week I got a flat tire right next to a homeless man.
So I was looking at him for help.
For once it was like opposite world.
It's like spare change?
I'm like, change spare?
Whoa.
[Laughter]
I'm trying to drive less, though.
My friend's an environmentalist.
He's always complaining.
He's like, the polar bears have feelings, too.
The polar bears are just like people.
when the ice caps melt, where are the polar bears are going to go?
I told him if bears are just like people, I'm sure the polar bears are going to be OK, right?
Well, no, because I figure we'll just take land from the grizzly bears, have the black bears do all the work and --
[Laughter]
And have the panda bears build them railroads and they'll be OK.
Thank you.
[Applause]
That's not racist, it's just a bear joke.
Hypothetical.
Bears make a country called abearica.
I like the polar, half bear President, obearma.
Come on, guys.
Send the Koala bears to Australia and the gummy bears to San Francisco.
It's still a bears joke.
Actually, I used to teach American history to kids from the inner city.
So I had to come up with analogies -- gangster analogies to relate the material.
Like we were doing American history of the 1900's.
I was like the 1900's.
You got your French homie and your British homie.
A German dude starts picking on your homies.
You're like what the hell.
So you knock the German dude out and the whole party's like, damn.
[Laughter]
Now the party stops serving alcohol, your weed gets all dry, you put all your money on the dice games and the dice grapes -- games crash, it's like, oh, hem-haw, depression.
And then the German dude comes back.
He starts picking on your Jewish homie, you're like what the hell.
But you get socked in the back of the head by a Japanese guy.
You're like, shoot, what's going on?
You take out the Japanese dude and the German dude.
The whole party's like, damn.
Now you see two Korean twin brothers fighting, right?
One's in red, one's in blue.
You help out the one in blue 'cause you're a crip, you know what I'm saying?
And you're like, shoot, this is a Vietnamese Ho, Chi Minh.
That's her name.
She's a ho.
You're looking good, man.
She splashes orange soda back in your face.
Across the party there's a Russian dude staring you down, really cold.
The Russian dude is like what, you're like what, and nothing ever happens.
[Laughter]
And then there's an Iraqy who burns up the rug.
He disappears for 10 years.
You give your Somalian homie a sandwich.
You hook up with a girl named Monika in the bathroom, the party goes damn, and you're like my bad, and that's the 1900's right there.
That's all it is.
Thank you so much, I'm Sammy Obeid.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause]
CONAN: that was great, Sammy.
Sammy Obeid!
[Cheers and applause]