1. Stephen Merchant Longs For Medieval Romances

Stephen Merchant Longs For Medieval Romances

Dating is too complicated nowadays; Stephen imagines it was easier back when everyone died at age 30.

Transcript:

CONAN: You and I have so much to talk about.
Stephen: Always, always.
CONAN: Thank you so much for being here.
We were just talking to CeeLo --
Stephen: I was listening.
CONAN: Yes, thank you.
You creep.
You sound like a perv!
[Laughter]
Oh, I was listening!
[Laughter]
Stephen: Someone was paying attention backstage.
CONAN: Yes, you.
And I'm just curious because your new show "local ladies" is sort of inspired by your single life in Los Angeles.
Stephen: Yes.
CONAN: I was talking to CeeLo about going out.
He's a player.
What is it like for you?
What is it like for you when you go out in L.A.?
Stephen: I thought sort of getting on TV and doing a talk show and stuff, that would make a difference.
It doesn't seem to be making a difference.
I'm awfully surprised I can't just breeze into nightclubs, you know.
Because I am am a great dresser.
Like CeeLo, I know what's going on.
CONAN: You know what time it is.
Stephen: I try to get in a club here in L.A. and I went up to the doorman and he stood there.
I I was approaching he literally started laughing.
He started -- ha, no!
You're not -- I went walking by and assumed -- I said can I come in?
He went no, no.
I said what are you talking about?
I don't know if this is a line he prepared or just came out with it.
He said, sorry, dude, but we want people in there who look like they're going to provide glamour, not tech support.
[Laughter]
CONAN: Wow!
Stephen: From a doorman!
I am like wow.
CONAN: He's good.
Have you tried -- because L.A. can be difficult.
It's back in the day when I was dating here.
It was tough.
Stephen: Tough.
There's so much choice.
Beautiful people and I felt like you're on a date with a woman and she can say I love you and they look behind you for someone bet are or more attractive. That's my general experience.
But what's impressive if she can look over my shoulder.
CONAN: Do you try to meet people online?
Stephen: I never do the online thing.
To me there's too much now.
It's like can you go online.
Can you meet people here I'm from England, meet people there.
And even if you get on a date, so much you go through dates and theater and all of this machinery and it takes months and I would be happier in medieval times.
You know what I mean?
CONAN: Medieval times?
Stephen: Middle ages it was easier.
You just lived in a small village.
You didn't know there was another village.
[Laughter]
You just married whoever was in your village of a similar age that wasn't dead yet.
[Laughter]
You know what I mean?
They were simple times!
And you didn't worry about what you were wearing and we were going -- held my breath?
Everyone's breath was terrible because the harvest failed and they had to eat their dogs.
[Laughter]
You go out to restaurants.
Just married -- you met a woman on a Wednesday, married on a Friday and she was having kids by the following Tuesday.
[Laughter]
CONAN: Exactly!
Stephen: You had to get the kids out before winter came because they were all gone.
CONAN: God, this is terribly dark.
Stephen: Happier times!
Simpler times.
CONAN: Right, much happier times.
Stephen: Until in a dream world we all got plague and died.
[Laughter]
That was a beautiful marriage.
CONAN: Good times.