Conan: Please welcome the very funny Tony Deyo!
[Cheers and Applause]
Tony Deyo: Thank you very much.
I am very excited to be here.
I will tell you guys a little about myself as far as a comedian.
I was a school teacher and my favorite story from teaching school, this kid was being expelled and his dad told me he wasn't worried about it because Albert Einstein was expelled from school, too.
Yes, sir, that is because Einstein was smarter than everyone else and he couldn't handle it.
Your kid is being expelled for flapping his Weiner out the bus window.
Tony Deyo: They had taken two different paths in life.
When I have a day off on the road, I like hanging out in the big bookstores.
Whenever I go in there, I always run across the series of books called for dummies.
They have everything.
Gardening for dummies, interior design for dummies.
I saw a brand-new one, I'm not making this up, athletic scholarships for dummies.
I didn't know they came any other way.
Tony Deyo: I live in New York City.
About a year ago, hurricane sandy went through New York.
I was traveling at the time.
I was watching the news keeping up with it and on the news, they said that 38 people died that day when the hurricane went through.
Now, 38 sounds like a big number, but New York is a giant city.
It made me wonder how many people die there on a normal day.
It turns out 156.
Hurricane sandy saved lives!
Tony Deyo: I take my computer into the help desk at the apple store, but at the apple store, they don't call it the help desk.
They call it the genius bar.
Kind of a pompous name, don't you think, genius bar.
It's like you know more about computers than I do.
Let's be honest, you work at the mall right next to cinnabon.
Tony Deyo: I have been married a while.
I have a friend in a new relationship, though.
I find that to be quite amusing.
Just the other day she told me when she and her boyfriend make love, time stands still.
I feel bad breaking the news to her that if they start making love at 9:25 and then when it's all done she looks at the clock and it's --
Tony Deyo: -- still 9:25, Johnny endurance did not bend the space time continuum.
Although he did travel at nearly the speed of light.
Tony Deyo: Any faster, he would be 9:24.
When you have been married a while, they have the ideas, how do married couples keep their spice in their love life.
The thing I can't stand, love coupon books.
You redeem with your wife for being intimate outside or in the back seat of the car.
I always feel like a she's ball when I use them.
Trust me, if my wife wanted to do it, we would be doing it.
We don't need to bother ourselves with the exchange of coupons or currency of any sort.
Really, when you think about it, the only time I get to use them is when she is not interested.
Hey, babe, do you want, no?
That's too bad because I have a coupon.
Tony Deyo: I will try to make it quick.
Hell, if you're lucky, I'll make time stand still.
Thanks so much!
[Cheers and Applause]
CONAN: That's great!
Tony Deyo, everybody, we'll be right back!