1. Triumph Watches The World Cup, Part 1

Triumph Watches The World Cup, Part 1

The Insult Comic Dog doesn't need to go all the way to Brazil to experience crazy fans in crowded, filthy bars; New York's largest borough will do just fine.

Watch "Triumph Watches The World Cup, Part 2" and "Triumph Watches The World Cup, Part 3" Now!

Transcript:

TRIUMPH: Thousands of Africans, Europeans and South Americans are converging in Brazil to create a flash mob of horrible B.O.
Heat and humidity.
The streets of Brazil teaming with raw sewage.
But you can get all that right here in Astoria, Queens.
Everyone is cheering their country in their favorite sport.
The rest of the world calls it football.
In America, we call it a [bleep] waste of time.
You have to love soccer.
The excitement of minimal contact, the thrill of low scoring.
If you like watching porn in reverse, this sport is for you.
Are you 100%?
Really 100% Colombian?
>> 100%.
>> You know, because a lot of people say they're pure Colombian but they're 20% baby laxative.
As soon as the teams are done jogging and warming up, they are going to start the game.
Oh, wait.
I've just been informed that this is the game and I've actually been watching soccer for the past two hours.
Sorry for any confusion.
Look at you.
I can tell by your hat you're a big fan of looking like an idiot.
Such a boring game.
It's 2-0.
I think I see soccer as a metaphor for your life.
Little or no goals.
You're drinking in a bar in the middle of the day!
When did you two realize that you didn't have any --
>> GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLS?!?!?!
>>You still love your mother, right?
>> I think so.
>> I saw her the other day.
She was working the --
>> POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLEEE!
>> A goal, a goal, a goal, a goal!
>> Goal, goal, goal Colombia.
Colombia, Colombia!
Colombia, Colombia!
>> Colombia!
>> All right, there they are, the people from Greece.
I figured I would console them, make them feel better, having had the [bleep] kicked out of them.
Do you think you have a chance to win the game or just to approved for a Discover card?
Because their economy is in the [bleep]er.
I want to say it's an honor to meet someone who -- let's talk about something other than the game.
What diner do you work at?
And what diner do you work at?
>> Neptune's.
>> And what diner do you work at?
>> Any of you guys play soccer?
I have a feeling the only thing you've ever tried to kick is your addiction to Halloween candy.
Something a Greek can be proud of.
A real legend.
You guys created the alphabet.
Gave us great words like unibrow.
Invented by the Greek alphabet.
Your best player, it's like nobody gives a [bleep] about him in America.
But in Greece, this guy is like a superstar.
He's like a sex symbol.
He could have his choice of any young boy.
[Laughter]
It's been a hard run for Greece.
You know what?
Drink for all these guys on me -- drinks for all these guys on me!
Wait, wait, wait.
If your last name has fewer than five syllables.
>> OK, so wait.
That means that I am light blue.
I am sky blue.
Sky blue I am.
>> The country that has won two World Cups.
>> Yeah, baby, hell, yeah!
Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies like the color of an easter egg.
Here we go.
You're a gay, I'm a gay, we're all gay for Uruguay.
No?
Look at this.
Look at this.
How much did you pay Ikea to design this?
Oh, baby!
Oh, it's on, oh, it's on, bitch.
Your mother, your mother -- you know what?
Soccer is a lot like your mother.
Always slapping balls out of her face.
He needs to cross.
There he goes, there he goes.
You know, they say that soccer is less exciting than football.
American football.
But that's really selling it short, don't you think?
I mean, it's also less exciting than basketball and baseball and bowling and backgammon and miniature golf and Yahtzee.
I mean, come on.
Let's give soccer its due.
Number one.
What happened out there?
What happened in there?
Tell me what happened.
Exactly.
On a high note, you don't have to live in Uruguay.
What happened?
Uruguay lost and you have a ponytail and you're 70 years old with a ponytail.
What happened?
Did your barber tell you it was a good idea?
It's a tragedy.
Uruguay lost and a 72-year-old man has a ponytail.
Sir, what happened today?
Who told you to buy a camouflage backpack?
How did that come about?
What happened?
After Uruguay lost, sir, what happened today?
Who told you that shirt would look attractive on you?
What went wrong?
Who told you that it was --
>> Uruguay will come back strong.
>> Sir, that doesn't take away the fact that that shirt is two sizes too small.
How did this happen?
Everyone is asking today, how did you choose to keep wearing a shirt that accentuates your nipples.
There's no explanation.
People are asking questions.
Why are you wearing -- why is a 60-year-old man wearing soccer mom Jeans?
How did it happen?
Everyone here is stunned.
[Applause]