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8 Things To Expect Shopping At Microsoft's Non-Apple Apple Store

Microsoft was once the hottest technology company in the world, but now often seems to follow in the footsteps of others. Recently the software giant opened 16 Microsoft Store outlets, which bear more than a passing resemblance to Apple's glass and brushed metal retail temples. Here’s what you can expect from a store that is the physical manifestation of all things Windows-based.
  1. Hipsters Will Never Be Camped Outside
    Even the night before a major Microsoft launch, the entrance to each Microsoft Store will be free and clear of adoring masses of technologically-savvy consumers who respect and demand quality.

  2. The Store Randomly Shuts Down Once You Step Inside
    Don’t be surprised if while browsing the aisles of the Microsoft Store, the lights shut down, plunging the entire business into inky darkness. An eerie silence will descend, but whatever you do, don’t panic. Everything will reboot in ten minutes.

  3. For A Fee, You Can Buy An Anti-Virus Hazmat Suit Before Entering
    It’s not mandatory, but just highly recommended that you slip into a pressurized rubber suit that will protect you from the various viruses found in The Microsoft Store. If you don’t bother to purchase virus protection, you could catch a nasty stomach flu or tongue warts or rabies.

  4. It's Easy To Get All Your Windows Phone Questions Answered
    You'll have to wait a long time at the Apple Store if you need your iPhone fixed. But what if you have a question about your Windows Phone? At The Microsoft Store, a chirpy, eager customer service representative will be happy to answer all of your questions, because he or she does nothing all day but stand around, staring at stacks of lonely merchandise and talking to imaginary hordes of customers buying Windows Phones.

  5. Instead Of The "Genius Bar", There's The "Mouth-Breathing IT Guy Bar"
    If your PC won’t boot or your Xbox keeps playing the game “Red Ring of Death” with itself, don’t worry. A passive-aggressive, socially-award middle-aged man in a stained “Watchmen” shirt will make you feel stupid for bringing in a machine you now regret buying in the first place.

  6. There Are No “Sales,” Only “Rebates”
    You can save hundreds of dollars on all kinds of products, making The Microsoft Store a destination for value-hunters who enjoy paying full-price so they can later apply for a rebate they’ll receive in the mail eight months later, if ever.

  7. Microsoft Store Security Features Include Nothing But Warnings
    Once you’ve walked through the glass doors, you should consider yourself warned. So don’t be surprised if your wallet is stolen while you’re chatting up an Eastern European model randomly hanging out in aisle 2. Shouting “CONTROL ALT DELETE” will do nothing.

  8. It’s A Popular Place For Zune Meetups
    The much-heralded-then-maligned Zune music player was discontinued in 2011. But fans of the digital media device can still get together, share some My Chemical Romance songs and still not buy a Windows Phone.