"Just saw this ad in Paris. This explains what Haagen-Dazs meant when they told me they were "going another way." - Conan
"I'm tired of being discriminated against."
"Just had the best breakfast of my life. Sorry, Mom."
"Tonight I try out a new desk made of 100% @ImHeatherGraham."
"This supermarket is replaying my White House Correspondents' performance. There is nowhere else to go in showbiz."
"Just rehearsed my routine to an empty ballroom at the Washington Hilton. The one guy unfolding chairs loved it."
"Just visited the White House press room. Lost my temper and ejected the reporter from the Christian Science Monitor."
"In D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Practicing my opening 'Goofy Sunglasses' bit."
"I expected Charlie Sheen to arrive at my show in style tonight, and he did not disappoint." - Conan